What Would a Narcissistic Society Look Like?

We assume, to our detriment, that narcissism is restricted to those who have been formally diagnosed (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

Nothing is further from the truth!

We all demonstrate narcissistic traits from time to time, especially when we are children. They are how we get what we want. HOWEVER, problems arise when strong narcissistic traits dominate our thinking and decision making, especially if we also lack empathy (awareness of, or care for, how others feel). Everyone and everything around us are affected.

Each one of us is influenced by what we see, hear and experience each day. Our thoughts and actions are influenced by the people with whom we associate, the situations in which we find ourselves (deliberately and unintentionally) and our upbringing. Think about situations in your own life where you benefitted or suffered because of friends, work colleagues or a social group with whom you were involved.

Narcissism is all about control and using that to get what we want, without worrying about the cost to others. One of the most powerful tools a narcissist uses is gaslighting – rewriting history to suit their own wants, to the extent that reality is so distorted that their victims become confused and disorientated, with no confidence (other than that they must be wrong). This is also known as ‘crazy making behaviour.' Over time this unreality becomes the victim's 'normal.' They take personal responsibility for all problems, gradually relying more on the person/people abusing them.

What Would a Culture Heavily Influenced by Narcissism Look Like?

Let’s look at a few traits (in no particular order) that we see where narcissism has a strong influence and begin to understand why they react like they do.

Self-Focus and Individualism

Narcissism is all about I, me, mine … obsessively. My personal agenda, wants and needs are superior to everyone else’s. I matter most, certainly more than you. If you fall by the wayside on my rise to fame, that is not my concern. You are here for what I can get from you, then it is time for me to move on. You exist to serve me!

Emphasis on Possessions, Wealth and Status

I am what I have, with whom I am seen, where I am seen, where I spend my time, including holidays. I love to use titles, qualifications and position to laud it over others. I must be well up the food-chain of business, social or financial success in order to matter. I always want more. I show love by what I give, not who I am. In fact, I often give lavishly to make up for my lack of love for others. Inside, I am a void, emptiness craving to be continually filled, but never succeeding.

Craving Significance

I am not worthy unless I am successful. I need to be seen, to stand out and be noticed. I must wear my badge of importance for all to see: my car, my clothes, my stuff, my family. I will make sacrifices (or my friends and family will) in order to appear significant, important and adored.

Competitive Sub-Groups and Silos

Co-operation is a waste of time unless it gets me what I want, when I need it. I compete with people and must win, be best, be top. I make sure that people are pitched against each other because I love discord and pain. I get a thrill playing 'devil's advocate,' my go to position when I am in a group of friends or colleagues. It does not matter that I actually know very little about what I am speaking. That simply adds to the fun. I always avoid blame for anything that is wrong but immediately assume responsibility for anything that draws praise, even when I have done nothing to deserve it.

Lies, Deceit, Secrecy, Confusion and Chaos

I always change my story to fit in with what is happening. I can contradict myself in the same sentence so others become confused and do not believe me. Changing my mind means that other people don’t really know what is happening. I like to create conflict and confusion by failing to communicate clearly, or simply by asking others to perform tasks that I know conflict. This is fun and allows me to blame others for my mistakes (although I obviously never make a mistake). My defence is, truth is what I say it is, at the time I say it. Besides, we live in a 'post-truth' society so it no longer matters what we say. Gravity? No! That is a myth. The earth sucks.

Lack of Trust

Because lies and deceit are my currency, nobody trusts me. Neither do they trust other people in my group through fear of being let down or having confidences betrayed. I thrive on knowing other people’s juicy details because I can use them at the right time to manipulate or coerce others into doing stuff for me that they do not want to do. It excuses me of any blame when things go wrong. I am like a cancer, slowly taking control of normal people and situations, introducing my own 'DNA' into the situation to create abnormality, dysfunction and eventually, death.

Shallow Relationships and a Perfect Illusion

I don’t want people to get too close, so I ask lots of questions to find out about them whilst ignoring or failing to give clear answers about myself. I don’t want people to see me as anything other than having it all together, living a perfect life, with my perfect family. I cannot risk people discovering that these are simply illusions I use to condemn others and protect myself.

Lack of Moral Conscience

Morality is old-fashioned. How dare you inflict your morals on me. If I want to get something I will lie, cheat, coerce, bully, blackmail or threaten others. If they do what I want, they are the guilty ones who will take the blame for something I know nothing about. Laws are for suckers or to be broken. I will push as far as I can to get what I want, even to the point of committing a criminal act. However, when it suits me, I will project the illusion that I have high moral standards because this allows me to bring other people down and make them seem inferior to me.

Lack of Resilience

I am so used to being right, or having to right for my own security, that I have not learnt how to reason or discuss. Neither have I learnt how to handle criticism or disagreement. So, instead of daring to enter the unsafe arena where I do not know the outcome and where I risk looking stupid, I become defensive, using criticism, aggression and avoidance. I cannot risk looking anything other than perfect, the best or superior.

Victim Mentality and a Realm of Haters

I lack an ability to reason or discuss because my ego is too fragile and I need praise. So, I am a victim of life’s circumstances. I want my rights but without any personal responsibilities. I want equality, so long as I am in charge and call the shots. I want to be seen as special, different and significant. I am entitled to all of this but you are not entitled to your own views or to challenge mine. If you disagree with me, you must hate me. I don’t discuss because I am so focused on what I want that discussion might challenge my views and I cannot allow that. Even people within my 'tribe' or 'in-group' are a threat. Although I love to project a facade of unity, I actually loathe others because they may get what I want. If others push me for a decision when I don’t want to give one, I will accuse them of affecting my mental health and threaten self-harm or suicide to get them off my back. Of course, there are people who are really suicidal, but I don’t care about them. My priority is to use what I want, whenever I can, or to excuse or exonerate me of all blame, now!

Lack of Accountability and Responsibility

Whatever bad happens, it is never my fault! You may come to me with photographs, videos, charts, figures and other evidence, but if I say it does not exist, you must be lying. I cannot own-up to any fault. I cannot accept any blame. Everything that goes wrong is outside my control. If you dare to get me to take responsibility for anything I have done I will attack you and you will pay for it for a long time. I don’t forget anything done against me. Revenge is my powerhouse.

Why is this Narcissistic?

One word: 'supply.'

Narcissists create and validate their sense of self from outside sources: people, situations, position, importance, title, etc, etc. If any of these disappear, the narcissist feels empty and is forced to face-up to their real self and to feelings that they keep locked beneath their facade of status and success. This external source of self-esteem is called 'supply.' It is the life-blood of narcissists: they MUST have it, constantly. To achieve this, they use all of the above tactics and many more, to stay in control. Anything that challenges the 'child trapped inside adult skin' is met with a barrage of rage which may be seen as explosive anger, verbal lashings and attacks, physical violence, periods of silence and no communication or even breaking-off friendships: whatever it takes for the narcissist to protect themselves. Or they may calm down and act as if nothing happened and everything is perfectly normal.

Do the Above Look Familiar?

Narcissistic influence guarantees DESTRUCTION to families, businesses, economies, social groups and cultures.

Sure! Things may look rosy for a while. Look at GE under Jack Welch and Boeing during the 1990s and 2000s. These two pillars of American industry went from certainty and stability, to less than a shadow of their former self with no long-term future guaranteed. Indeed, earlier in 2023 the Chief Financial Officer of GE announced her resignation for fear that the company may not be around in the next few years. The cause? Leaders with strong narcissistic traits, whose influence caused internal meltdown. What was seen from the outside (record profits and payouts to shareholders and Chief Executives) bore no resemblance to what was really happening inside (destruction of the business through greed and personal gain). Eventually, the facade collapsed and the truth was exposed.

It is easy to see similar trends as we look at society today. The creation and prominence of minority groups that insist they must have their own way and that everyone else must endorse what they do and say, whether it is true or defies reality. Anybody daring to disagree is immediately vilified, punished, cancelled and labelled as a 'hater.' The concept of healthy discussion and disagreement whilst remaining colleagues and friends does not exist because narcissists are incapable of viewing people as 'good' and 'bad' at the same time. Their views are digital (1 or 0) rather than analogue (a spectrum from black to white, through shades of grey).

Many of the great empires and powers across history have died through the ambivalence, lack of care or simply plain confusion painted by their narcissistic leaders and the societies they created. Is our current culture heading for the abyss of a narcissistic void?

Is it Too Late to Stop the Rot?

There would be no point in writing this article if I did not believe that there is a way out.

Each one of us has a responsibility to look at the traits listed above and ask ourselves important questions:

• Am I guilty of perpetuating destructive narcissistic attitudes?
• What can I do to make narcissistic attitudes powerless and irrelevant?
• How can I create change in my small bubble that will affect others positively?  

It is only when we ALL challenge this creeping cancer that we will see significant, lasting change. If we do not, we being drawn into a void that will never spit us out.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts