How Easily Can We Spot Narcissists and Narcissism?

Introduction

In order for us to see something, it must catch our attention.

If it is blatantly aggressive, like a fight, or clearly loving, like a person helping up someone in need, we are likely to take notice.

Unfortunately, narcissism is often hidden and, to many, it is an 'unknown'.

By understanding the signs (what we see) and symptoms (what we experience) we see it more easily and may be equipped to do something about it.

By making other people aware of these signs and symptoms, we increase the chance that the others will spot the signals that something is not right and take action.

However, SEEING something depends upon other factors than just our knowledge.

The Behaviour Must Stand Out

If we walk into a karate dojo when practitioners of the martial art are training, we will be amazed by the variety of skill, motion and execution of the moves. But we expect to see karate in a karate dojo, so we are rarely surprised by the basic moves.

If we are walking down our local high street and we see two people on the pavement practicing karate, either as a display or in aggression, we notice them. It is not the normal high street activity. It stands out.

Background Noise

In a karate dojo, practitioners practicing moves will display a variety of skills and abilities. Beginners will stand out from those with more experience and understanding. If we stay in that environment, we become accustomed to what is happening. In some cases, we will be able to focus on specific people, but in most cases, it becomes a new normal for us. We need to see something bizarre or exceptional in order for our attention to be diverted. The activities within the dojo have created a type of 'noise', a level of expectation in us, to the point where we can tune-in, but mainly, tune-out.

If we walk into a concert, the initial volume can be destabilising, almost disorientating. However, as we become accustomed to the sound, as our ears 'tune-in' we are able to enjoy what is happening on stage. The noise of the event becomes part of the experience and we can tune-in to specific musicians and what they are doing. It is only when something unexpected or spectacular happens that our attention is grabbed. We enjoy the concert even though, without taking adequate steps, it will damage our hearing [health].

Narcissistic Noise

If we walk into the local academy for narcissists (gym) and we know what signs to look for, we will see repeated patterns of behaviour in some of the members that are evidence of narcissism:

• physique,
• broadcast training intensity,
• brand of clothes,
• make-up and impeccable hair,
• posing in front of mirrors.

to mention a few. NONE of these are inherently bad in their own right:

• good physique usually represents commitment, consistency and persistence,
• training intensity requires effort and personal 'stretch', to create tone, bulk and stamina,
• most branded clothes are well made, comfortable and look good,
• make-up and great hair can do a lot to boost confidence in an unfamiliar or threatening environment,
• mirrors help to maintain form during exercise which improves safety and efficiency.

HOWEVER, when these become a means to an end, an external way to judge our personal value and identity, they become destructive, dangerous and destabilising. Our value as a person depends upon how well we do at a training session. It is as sensible as relating our personal value to the temperature outside, or what people think of us, or how much money we have, or our perceived status, or position at work, or popularity, or profile. EVERY ONE of these is variable, so our self-esteem is like a sawtooth: fluctuating depending upon on our mood and perception.

The Effects of Narcissistic Background Noise

Many of these will look familiar because they are the measures or assessments of success in today's world. We value the material more than the moral or the human. Increasing proliferation of narcissistic attitudes in society through media and social media amplification, means that our 'normal' is being distorted. We lose the ability to notice things if they are out of place, unless they are REALLY out of place.

We are all part of a boiling frog scenario:

If we place a frog in cold water (where it will be comfortable) and very slowly increase the temperature, the frog adapts to the increase. The problem is that as the frog adapts, it loses the ability to sense danger (temperature becomes too high). If left to its own devices, there is every chance that the frog will be harmed by staying in water that is too hot, simply because it is no longer aware of sense danger signals.

Put human beings in an environment or culture where narcissism is increasingly the norm and we lose the ability to detect the behaviour as wrong or damaging. We all have narcissistic tendencies, used to get what we want or need BUT these are tempered with empathy, an ability to understand how others feel and moderate our behaviour. Narcissists lack empathy. They NEED the status, recognition, financial buoyancy, ideal family, big house, flash car, etc., IN ORDER to feel valued AND they feel entitled to these things. Beneath their facade of success, however, they are incredibly insecure and are driven by a fear of failure or being recognised for what they really are: normal people. Such attitudes are contagious and where they proliferate, they envelope those around them. Narcissism becomes the norm. Eventually, the background 'narcissistic noise' is so great, that narcissism becomes invisible.

What About Increased Ability to Focus?

If we return to the karate dojo analogy, we noticed that although it is easy to tune-out to the skill involved, there is also an opportunity to zoom in on individuals and really appreciate their skill. In order to do this, knowledge of the art (as a minimum) and experience really enables us to appreciate the dedication required to reach a particular level.

LIKEWISE, when we understand narcissism, its signs, symptoms and destructive effects, we can tune-in to spotting it, even amongst the background narcissistic noise, because we know what to look for and/or have experienced it in our lives.

The True Cost of Narcissism

The big problem is that our society largely views narcissism as a beneficial trait because it GETS us what we WANT. At the same time, society FAILS to acknowledge the extent and depth of the damage caused. Even when it recognises the disasters, we are still told to pursue things that isolate, insulate and kill us, rather than what makes us happy, fulfilled and effective, as a community.

Since society rates success by financial measures, let's look at a few real-life impacts of narcissism on financials and societal health.

GE and Boeing

Following the golden days of Jack Welch and his cronies, great organisations were changed from stable, reliable and respected parts of the community to amoral, untrustworthy, money-making machines with no regard for their lifeblood [workers] but total regard for their CEO and shareholders. Both organisations have crumbled, GE under Welch and successors, Boeing under Calhoun, McNerney and successors, to a state where some of their C-level board members doubt their ability to continue for much longer. The fat cat CEOs have left with gold dripping from every orifice whilst those left behind must clear up the dysfunctional mess and try to secure survival. Secure pillars of society have been undermined and pillaged until they have crumbled; financially and in reputation. THIS IS THE EFFECT OF NARCISSISM.

Effect of Narcissism on GDP

Individuals with strong narcissistic traits are known to be antisocial bullies who destroy relationships and damage health; physical, mental and emotional. In 2022, it was estimated that the cost of narcissism and its manifestations to the US GDP was between $300 Billion and $1 Trillion. That works out at around $2 Million per minute. In the UK the figure was around £44 Thousand per minute. THIS IS THE REAL COST OF NARCISSISM.

Personal Relationships

Harvey Weinstein, a name that will resound around the chambers of the rich and powerful for decades to come, was at the centre of a sex scandal involving underage girls and actresses in Hollywood. It also resulted in spin-off #MeToo activities against other high profile public figures who had used their power and influence to manipulate and control others. Investigations are still ongoing in many countries. Weinstein's first question was not about the irreparable damage his activities had done to so many young lives, but about who 'shopped' him. THIS IS NARCISSISM.

Politics

The world of politics and political shenanigans is a ripe field for harvest, especially over the past decade. No longer do politicians serve those who elect them. Most focus on their career, personal gain, who they know and are seen with. Most distressing is that truth no longer counts in the political arena, which is more like a cross between a kindergarten, a food fight and a game of charades, of winning points over the opposition, than an arena for debate. Scandals and cronyism prevail with players having no regard for those impacted by their decisions. In fact, many are totally isolated from the reality of daily life for the population and seem not to care. Look at the recent COVID activities and scandals surrounding the UK government. THIS IS NARCISSISM.

Conclusions

Narcissism is not an inconvenience: it is an assassin that kills everything within shooting distance.

Until we take it seriously, identify it, counter it and reduce its effects, society as a whole will continue to crumble and despair. Most narcissistic toxicity starts at an individual level, between two people. But people are part of families, which create communities, which create towns, countries, continents: the world. None of us is immune from its effects so why not start trying to kick-back against narcissistic ideals when we see them?

Narcissism has remained [largely] hidden for too long. When exposed to public gaze, it is often applauded by a society that loves status, celebrity and success. The rich are powerful and remain immune and almost untouchable for their activities. Even when we see its effects, apart from a short gasp, society continues to promote what kills.

Having enough makes us happier.

Having more than enough, bestows an attitude of needing more, of needing control in order to achieve that, to gain at the expense of others (including our own family and friends), to become isolated from reality in our privileged state and to encourage the demise of others. These are the outworkings of toxic narcissism.

Yes! We can spot narcissism, even with increased background noise. But it is also our responsibility to learn about the condition AND to take action. Knowledge without action is impotence.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts