Divorcing a Narcissist: Legal and the Courts

Divorce Involving a Narcissist

With a narcissistic divorce, the aim to get the case before a judge as quickly as possible.

Despite their misguided sense of entitlement, narcissists delay proceedings for as long as possible so that they bankrupt their ex-partner, cause maximum pain and/or even wear the partner down so they give up or give in.

Why?

Because narcissists fear court. It means giving-up one of their major life-needs: control. No matter how entitled they feel, how devious they have been, how much trouble they have caused, how much supply they have received, they will depend upon another person to decide their fate. This is unthinkable, even though they have a scapegoat in the judge if the final decision does not go how they would like.

The pain of ‘losing’ is greater than their fragile ego can handle. If they lose, they fail. If they fail, they are a failure. Shame takes over. In short, if they lose, they suffer narcissistic injury, their mask falls and they expose their true self in rage. 

Some hold it together until after the hearing, but many lose it in court, before the judge, which is an experience to behold. Admitting that they have defied the advice of their solicitor or accusing a judge of incompetence rarely ends well.

Family law in England and Wales usually has three distinct phases before a final hearing:

1. Negotiation
2. Mediation
3. Financial Dispute Resolution

Each of these depends upon both parties being reasonable, negotiable and voluntarily submitting information, all of which the narcissist is incapable.

It is only when the judge finally removes negotiation from the table and imposes their decision on the couple that victims stand a chance of a fair settlement. Even then, it is not guaranteed.

Inexperienced solicitors are caught out repeatedly by the narcissist’s tactics. Case time drags on from weeks, to months, to years. What should take 6 months to settle takes in excess of 3 years. Add associated legal costs and many victims fall out of contention because they cannot afford it (which is the aim of the narcissist). Sadly, this practice, although common, is rarely recognised or penalised by the courts. Victims are victimised further; victimisers escape unscathed. THIS MUST CHANGE!

A few words about each of the three steps.

Negotiation

If ever a narcissist blows their cover, it is during negotiation.

Narcissists cannot negotiate; they can only dictate. Consider again that ‘fair’ to a narcissist means 'everything!' Anything that even threatens the narcissist's definition of fair is automatically rejected. This is especially prevalent during the division of finances and property.

Repeated refusal to accept an even distribution of assets or giving up ‘their’ money are both common with narcissists.

A narcissist-savvy solicitor will pick up on this behaviour quickly.

A narcissist-naive solicitor will look for other ways to negotiate.

Narcissists want to buy time at the expense of their victim. As supporters, we can alert the victim and their solicitor to the dangers of the games the narcissist is playing. It is important to remember that negotiation is voluntary: narcissists are 100% stubborn and do NOT negotiate. End of story.

Mediation

If the victim is unlucky enough to have already entered mediation, the best recommendation is to stop it and press for a court hearing. Evidence is required to back up such requests, but a narcissist-savvy solicitor will have already kept records and know how to do this.

It is often much cheaper to hire a narcissist-savvy solicitor at or near the start of a case than it is to change solicitor part-way through or to use a less experienced (or more experienced) narcissist-naive solicitor. The hourly rates of an aware solicitor may be higher, but the time saved reduces overall cost of a case to the victim often by thousands, if not, tens of thousands of pounds.

Mediation is a humiliating, degrading, frustrating, disempowering, soul-destroying waste of time for the victim. The only people who gain from the process are the narcissist (wastes time, pushes up costs for the victim, feels even more superior and probably imposes punitive financial sanctions on the victim) and the mediator (an independent, legally-qualified individual).

Mediation is often run by private companies who exaggerate their ability and success rate by basing their figures on negotiation involving two, normal, co-operative individuals. One mediator even boasted that they would bring the narcissist to heal. Thankfully, they never had a chance: the case was taken to court before it happened. Not even skilled and experienced mediators are much use or effect during mediation involving a narcissist. Why? Because the process is voluntary and even though agreement may be reached, this is usually later denied or modified by the narcissist, or they refuse to comply with the court order: every disagreement must be taken to a judge which is lengthy, costly and rarely effective.

One possible exception is Hybrid Mediation. This combines techniques used in family and commercial law and is conducted by mediators with advanced training.

Financial Dispute Resolution (FDR)

Although this comes under a ‘court procedure’, it is once again dependent upon negotiation, reasonableness and fairness. The judge involved can only make suggestions, so narcissists have no need to cooperate (or even attend, thereby delaying the process further). Beware of a common trick by narcissists here: they agree to turn up and then cry off at the last minute for some minor reason. As it is the victim who calls the meeting, they are responsible for the costs incurred, including hiring a barrister. The narcissist will not incur these costs because they have no intention of attending and will often choose to represent themselves. Cancellation of their own services costs nothing.

A WORD OF CLARIFICATION: A divorce is initiated when one party files for divorce (the applicant or petitioner). The other party is the respondent. It falls upon the petitioner to get the respondent to court, so the petitioner incurs most of the costs, costs that they rarely get back in the final settlement. It is possible to appeal for court and legal fees to be paid by the obstructive party but success is not guaranteed.

This stage of the proceedings is, once again, profoundly frustrating for the victim. It is expensive and they are often ready to give up more than once. Our support in time and, where possible, finances, is essential. When the courts become involved, costs rise significantly. When a hearing moves to Final Hearing, costs soar, costs which victims can rarely afford. For example, one victim’s costs for final hearing alone amounted to more than ten-thousand-pounds.

The Final Hearing

This is where narcissists need to be as soon as possible. It is the end of the process but the ONLY time that they have restricted or zero power to influence the final decision.

Victims are usually past caring, nervous, physically and emotionally worn out by this stage. They need a lot of encouragement, motivation, reassurance and handholding from supporters during this stage of proceedings. Health monitoring is particularly important as some victims find it too much and want to end everything. Listen carefully to the words they use during conversation. Talk of suicide, ending-it-all, going to sleep permanently, etc., should be taken seriously. Medical support is important throughout the divorce process, but doctors also need to be made aware and act quickly when worrying warning signs, like these, occur. As supporters, we may be called-upon to take the victim to a local medical centre or clinic for assessment.

Support during this stage of a divorce is rarely easy and supporters need to be strong. We have highlighted areas where supporters need to be extra vigilant. We may not be able to discuss finer details of the case but we can still provide support to the victim and their solicitor.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse