What is Narcissistic Collapse?

Introduction

Narcissistic abuse forums seem to focus on two areas:

• The impact of narcissists on others.
• How to pay-back narcissists for the misery they cause ('karma').

What we often fail to realise is that narcissists are their own payback. Continuously. We simply do not see the evidence and, if we do, everything seems to be 'too late.' In a world where we expect an instant response, we also want instant payback.

Let's dive deeper into this idea of 'payback,' understand what it is and also understand why focusing on the subject is another victory for the narcissist.

What is Payback / Karma?

The answer to this question depends upon whom we ask.

The targets or 'victims' of abuse want to witness narcissists experiencing similar pain and trauma to what they have imposed upon others. It must be visible.

Psychologists and researchers argue that narcissists receive payback every day because they are continuously trying to fill a void that cannot be filled. They actually suffer self-imposed turmoil because they look in the wrong place for what they need, validation: a reason for acceptance and meaning.

What is Validation?

The Oxford Dictionary defines validation as:

- the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something;

- the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable;

- recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

It is this third definition that we will focus on.

Validation is our sense of identity, where we look to determine how valued and significant ('worthwhile') we are.

We all need to feel connected and seen. It is how we, as humans, operate at our best and where we receive our sense of fulfilment and happiness.

People who know that they have value, irrespective of what they own or their position / status in life are happier and more content. They do not 'need' other things to 'prove' their worth. We call this internal or intrinsic validation: it comes from within us. Very few of us are totally comfortable with who we are ('there is always room for improvement') but we accept that it is an ongoing process which will continue until we die.

Narcissists are not such people! For a variety of different reasons, they have decided that their value and sense of identity depends upon the things that others see: status, possessions. Their lives are continually driven by what others think or, more accurately, what they think others must think! We call this external or extrinsic validation because it comes from outside. It is a hamster wheel that continually accelerates. They are never satisfied, never good enough and, if they are, they are so insecure that the feeling quickly evaporates into doubt and fear, so they go after more to 'prove' themselves.

It is a self-destructive cycle.

How Do Payback and Validation Fit Together?

Intimately.

Narcissists are never satisfied. They feel perpetually frustrated, inferior, angry. In an attempt to avoid feeling so bad about themselves, they create a false self, what we call, a mask, their own world which they rule and control, a place to escape from their feelings of inadequacy and failure.

In order to maintain this mask, this distraction, they need input from outside: to be seen, to be important, to be successful, to be perfect. Setting unrealistic expectations which are based upon variable and fragile 'markers of value' makes narcissists highly vulnerable.

They may act brash, superior, entitled or quietly confident, but their reality is very different.

A tension exists between 'reality' and ideal.' The narcissist becomes hypervigilant about how others feel about them. They chase after what they need, desperate to fill their inner void. Relationships with people that are mutually beneficial, building and enhancing each other, instead become a need, a one-way transaction, input for the narcissist no matter how much it costs or impacts another person. This lack of empathy drives narcissists to devour others who are no more than a source, a supply of emotional energy for the narcissist. Narcissists are so toxic because the ONLY thing that matters is their own wants.

However, such a supply can only last for so long.

What Happens When Narcissists Must Face Their True Feelings?

Narcissists avoid thinking about their own fallibility in order to avoid facing how they really see themselves. When a lack of supply diverts attention back to their mere humanity, they are driven harder to keep themselves distracted.

This drive is at the expense of others.

Even whilst they can obtain supply from others, they exist on a knife-edge between 'adequacy' and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. This is their daily payback.

We know that the narcissist's sense of self is fragile and their emotional control poor. Whenever they perceive failure, humiliation or defeat their inability to handle the feelings leads to narcissistic collapse, with eruptions of anger or narcissistic rage. These may be short-lived or longer-term, depending upon the situation. However, they are a continuous feature throughout the narcissist's life so other people come to recognise (and avoid) anything that may cause these outbursts. One of those coping strategies is to stay away from the narcissist.

As the narcissist's reputation for such behaviour spreads, they become more isolated.

Fewer contacts means less supply, which also increases the risk of experiencing feelings they have suppressed and avoided since childhood. Cessation of emotional development since childhood makes the narcissist unable to face or cope with such feelings. In effect, they have lived a child's life, probably for the past four or five decades, even longer.

In short, they must face adult reality from a child's perspective.

Lack of supply means that narcissistic collapse becomes permanent. With no defences to keep them confident, a narcissist feels extremely anxious, depressed and / or ashamed. They are often unable to function.

So, as narcissists age, they are forced to face the isolation, trauma and desperation that they imposed upon their victims. They die as very unhappy people, just as they have lived as unhappy people.

The Irony and Fallacy of Narcissistic Payback

We DO NOT live in a 'just world.' We do not always see the bad receive payback or good people justified and that makes us frustrated and angry. If the world is not going to impose justice on those who do bad, we become emotional vigilantes who are driven to see justice done.

As we have already discussed, just because we don't see something does not mean that it isn't happening.

Likewise, what we see is not always reality. Narcissists act as if everything is great: it is how they cope. But it is a deception, a deception that risks diverting us down a cul-de-sac of unfulfilled remorse that they 'haven't been properly dealt with' or 'haven't received their just rewards.'

HOW DOES THIS HELP US?

It doesn't!

HOW DOES THIS HELP THE NARCISSIST?

It continues to provide them with supply: it gives them what they crave; attention.

OUR NEED TO SEE A NARCISSIST'S PAYBACK PLAYS STRAIGHT INTO THEIR HANDS. THEY WIN!

The most powerful way to give a narcissist 'payback' is to take away from them what they need most: supply. By failing to draw attention to them, we make them 'invisible.' We pro-actively avoid giving them what they want.

WE ALSO give ourselves space and time to focus on our own wellbeing and upon the wellbeing of those who need it most: survivors of emotional, narcissistic, abuse.

Conclusions

Narcissists suppress and hide their wretched self-image, spending a lifetime of misery by chasing temporary 'things' that cannot give them what they need and seek: happiness and fulfilment.

A lifetime of taking from and destroying other people, increasingly isolates the narcissist from those they need most. Eventually, they collapse into depression, even an inability to function.

Narcissists are their own payback. Total narcissistic collapse is their destination. It is a one-way ticket. We cannot divert them from their journey.

Expecting to see evidence from people who hide the truth so convincingly is unrealistic and only distracts us from self-care and the care of those who really need it and 'deserve' it: the survivors of narcissistic abuse.