What is Empathy?

Introduction

Humans thrive upon healthy interactions with other humans.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development ran from 1938, for 75 years and has established a strong link between deep relationships and well-being.

At the core of the key pillars of successful human relationship (communication, relationship and trust) is empathy.

What is Empathy?

The Oxford Dictionary defines empathy as, 'the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.'

It is a two-way emotion that builds trust and understanding, an ability to 'gauge' how the other person is, how they feel about things, to understand their roots for acting in a particular way or saying a particular thing.

In order for someone to appreciate how another feels, we must also be able to reflect upon our own thoughts, feelings and actions. In so doing, we begin to create emotional bonds with others whilst being able to monitor how a relationship is progressing. If we say or do something that clearly upsets another person, we store the memory so that we are more careful next time and adjust our response accordingly.

Empathy provides a 'thermometer' for gauging the health of our relationships with others. It allows us to react appropriately, in different situations, according to what is needed. Empathy allows us to know whether compassion or firmness are necessary.

Empathy is a key component of healthy and responsible living.

Can Somebody Have Too Much Empathy?

Most people are empathetic, understanding the importance of being together and working together, for common good.

There is a smaller group of people who have strong empathy for others, to the point that they strive to please and meet all of the needs around them. Rather than feeling for another, they feel another's pain as if it was their own. These are called Empaths, individuals who are particularly vulnerable to manipulation and coercion, an ideal target for those seeking validation or attention from others.

A Brief Introduction to Narcissists

Narcissists are emotional predators who seek out people that can give them what they need (and lack).

They are ruthless in their endless pursuit of reward (NOT the same as happiness) even though the two may be erroneously interchanged.

The narcissist seeks reward to make them happy but this is impossible.

Why?

Because the pathways to the two endpoints are different, involving different brain chemicals (neurotransmitters). In short, the 'happiness pathways' involve chemicals with a 'bonding' function, like oxytocin. 'Reward pathways' involve chemicals that create a high, but then a dip. Reward is never enough on its own. Those who seek it, continue to pursue it long after their first 'hit' or thrill of reward. A person who repeatedly or continuously seeks these 'highs' has brain activity that is identical to heroin, crack, cocaine, gambling or any other type of addiction.

Reward is about 'Me.'

Empathy is about 'You' and 'Us.'

Narcissists are driven by reward, the need to feel fulfilled by external validation: things, status, sex, money, possessions. They are incapable of showing any significant or constant level of empathy.

Narcissists are the 'Emotional Hoovers' of a society.

Why Narcissists Are So Destructive

If we imagine empathy being the mortar in a brick wall, something that creates a firm, stable structure, then we can also imagine that removing empathy from a situation, just like removing mortar from a wall, will destabilise the structure to the point that it becomes unstable, unsafe and even, unusable (useless, not fit for purpose).

Removing empathy from an individual, community or culture has the same effect.

Instability and insecurity may only spread one brick at a time but eventually it permeates and affects the whole structure.

Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to self-reflect or self-analyse. Because their impact is pervasive, working by destabilising and destroying relationships between other people, narcissist have the effect of slowly removing the mortar from the whole wall. We see this by how high-conflict individuals gradually undermine relationships, communication and trust, at the same time. Narcissists are like a catalyst for destruction, speeding-up the negative impacts throughout a group or community of people, rapidly weakening the whole structure. If they move somewhere else, they leave behind them a morass of chaos, confusion and conflict.

If they stay, they guarantee the disintegration of teams and cultural communication breakdown, leading to a decline in co-operation, falling production, decreased output and plummeting profits.

One narcissist in the right place can, single-handedly, take down a whole organisation, destroy a community or destroy a family.

Conclusions

Empathy is at the core of meaningful relationships.

Narcissists lack empathy so, people with greater empathy are more likely to become their victims and partners. They are the perfect lock for the narcissist's key and guarantee a one-way flow of love, affection, attention and, yes, empathy.

Empaths are especially vulnerable because they feel somebody else's pain as their own plus, a 'sense of obligation' to help others and solve their problems.

It is the narcissist's lack of empathy that fuels so many of their toxic and destructive actions. Failure to appreciate the impact of their actions upon others makes them high-conflict individuals. Their sense of superiority and entitlement mean that narcissists drive hard to get what they want, creating chaos, confusion and havoc in the process, often destroying lives without regret or remorse.

Empathy is a big influencer in the dynamics of narcissistic and abusive relationships. It is covered in greater detail in Chapter 4, 'Knowing Me, Knowing You: The Victim' of Stuart Wood's book, 'Escaping The Void' which is available on all Amazon platforms and from UK High Street bookstores.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts