Narcissists and Narcissism: Introduction and Glossary of Terms

This is an introduction to terms often used when discussing narcissists and narcissism.

The aim is to help you quickly gain a deeper understanding of what is being said so that you can take action yourself, or help friends who are trapped in narcissistic relationships to protect themselves and take action.

I have been supporting friends and family out of emotionally abusive (narcissistic) relationships for more than 6 years. My research and experience enabled me to publish a handbook on narcissistic relationships called, 'Escaping The Void: How to Support Victims Out of Emotionally Abusive Relationships' which helps victims make sense of the hell in which they are trapped AND create a way to escape.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS & DEFINITIONS

The following terms are often used when discussing narcvissists and narcissism.

Co-Dependency: When both partners are dependent upon (need) each other, causing mutual mental anguish. 

Empath: An individual who is particularly/overly sensitive to and aware of the needs of others, often feeling the other person's pain and anguish as if it were their own. Usually poor at setting boundaries, they are generous with their time, money, emotions and care.

Empathy: Somenoe who is able to appreciate another's feelings and emotions, being able to imagine what it would be like to be in their situation.

Flying Monkeys: The allies and friends of the narcissist who believed the narcissist’s story and provide support by doing the work of the narcissist on their behalf (pass on messages, accuse victims, spread gossip, spy for the narcissist, carry messages, etc).

Gaslighting: The ability of the narcissist to create uncertainty, confusion and chaos by continually changing their view or story, leaving their victim traumatised and in poor mental health. It is a deliberate mechanism of control.

Hoovering: When a narcissist tries to become re-involved with a previous source of supply after their latest fling/relationship has ended.

Intellect: A preson's capacity to store information and use it effectively to solve problems. It is functional and operates independently of emotions. Also known as IQ. Narcissists can be highly intellectual and qualified.

Intelligence: The ability to give intellect context, meaning and value by applying the filter of emotions, enabling the person to feel or empathise with another person. Narcissists lack this quality (although they may learn how to imitate by watching and learning from others).

Narcissist: From the Greek mythological figure, Narcissus, who became obsessed with his own image. Narcissists rely upon external factors (continual adoration money, status, image, popularity, etc) to boost their sense of self (ego) & project an image of success and perfection. If this 'mask' is threatened by somebody else, the narcissist frequently demonstrates rage (see below).

Projection: When a person 'projects' or places their own feelings, thoughts & actions onto someone else. It is a common attack and defence used by narcissists as it makes others look bad so that the narcissist looks and feels better (or 'better than').

Rage: Uncontrollable anger due to poor control of fragile emotions which may materialise as shouting, screaming, violence towards objects and people, or periods of sustained silence and lack of contact (sometimes for days or even weeks). It is frightening and can be dangerous.

Supply: The source of external validation on whom the narcissist relies to constantly bolster their ego. Supply may be through direct adulation, it may be through status, sex and stuff, or it may be through situations (good and bad) that provide the narcissist with excitement.

Supporter: A person who stands with a victim as they disengage with a narcissist, separate, divorce and begin to establish a new 'narcissist-free' life. Support may come from several different individuals at different times, but it is needed throughout the whole process due to stressed victims being unable to think, understand or act due to poor mental health (anxiety and/or depression).

Trauma: The American Psychological Association describes trauma as, 'an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea.

Triangulation: A situation where a narcissist uses a third-party (friend, realtive, mentor, therapist, etc) as an intermediary to communicate with the victim on their behalf (the narcissist avoids direct interaction with their victim). The aim is to create misunderstandings and conflicts. It is a manipulative strategy to control or gain power, whilst leaving the narcissist free of blame ("I hear Mrs X is convinced that you are having an affair!" which really says, "I think you are having an affair" and often means, "I am having an affair!")

Victim: the person on whom the narcissist preys and uses as their main target for actions & words. 

Types/Classification of Narcissists

Narcissists are a nasty species that are classified by certain traits and behaviours. They exist on a spectrum or continuum between extremes.There are MANY different labels used for narcissists, but some of the most common are listed below.

Overt/Grandiose Narcissists: These are the most obvious narcissists. High-profile, loud, brash, centre-of-attention, never wrong, infinitely wise, smooth-talking, liars. They attract a crowd, often appearing as charismatic, funny, witty and knowledgeable. They are oblivious to the feelings of others and are generally amiable. Many see these people as decision-makers and leaders. Their followers may be many and passionate: like atracts like. However, they are totally selfish and short-sighted individuals who will lash out if slighted by others, launching withering attacks on the offender(s), usually where there is an audience. They are renowned for being brash, arrogant, rude and inappropriate.

Covert/Sensitive/Closet Narcissists: These are much less easily recognised or seen because they prefer to remain hidden. They rarely like crowds of people and hate being in the spotlight, preferring instead to be secretive and devious in their tactics, as their name suggests. They secretly crave adoration and recognition, usually focussing on a small group of people for their supply. They may be quieter and more retiring, but their inner rage and hatred is strong, simmering just beneath the surface, ready to explode with little provocation. They are highly toxic in social and business settings through their shallow relationships, poor and deliberately deceptive communication and have zero trust in anyone, even themselves. Covert narcissists have an infinite memory for 'wrongs' done against them.

Malignant/Toxic Narcissists: These characters may combine overt or covert traits with elements of sadism and antisocial activity. They get enjoyment from watching others suffer. Probably the most dangerous and toxic characters in the narcissist community. 

Communal Narcissists: These have the same selfish core and split personality (public vs private) as the overt and covert types. Howevr, their activities gain supply through deliberately high-profile, public activities. They make sure that their generosity is seen, are typically committee members or heads of organisations seen to do good. They love the limelight because it provides them with the external validation (supply) they crave and need. However, behind closed doors, they can be cruel, demeaning, physically violent individuals.

Although each individual type may differ in the specific environments they prefer and ways in which they act, their patterns of behaviour are driven by the same power source (emptiness and need to fill a void using supply) and so are remarkably similar and predictable once we know what to look for. All types of narcissist display different public and private personae that are poles apart: in public they are charming and everyone’s 'best friend forever' but in private they are abusive, secretive and downright evil.

People commonly state that male narcissists outnumber female narcissists by around 3 to 1. However, research suggests that such a clear separation only exists in the overt/grandiose type. For the other types, the ratio of male to female is 1 to 1. So, both sexes are capable of being abusers and victims.

The particular danger with covert narcissists is that they are masters of luring their unsuspecting victim into their web of deceit, lies and falsehood. They do their damage subtly and in private, so it is rarely, if ever, seen by the outside world or understood, as such, by the victim, until it is too late. Victims believe them and commit to making the relationship happy and fulfilling, as we would in a normal, healthy relationship. Deceit, lies and betrayal are NOT on a victim's radar.

However, the narcissist has no intention of, or ability to return the favour. Relationships are simply transactions that provide them what they want. They feel no obligation or desire to care about the relationship as the rest of the world would define it. The flow is all one way; towards the narcissist. 

When victims realise this, they are so tangled in the web that escape becomes a long-term, exhausting and often demoralising experience. This is where and why they need support but covert narcissists will do anything and everything in their power to destroy any and all support for their victim!

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts