What are Flying Monkeys?

Firstly, A Quick Word About Jargon

As we become more aware of a subject, it is too easy to get caught-up in the jargon / terminology associated with that subject.

However, just because we know what it means, does not mean that others are so fortunate, especially those who have not encountered the subject before but need to understand more about it.

Such is the case with narcissism, which has a whole raft of assumed knowledge, including phrases that mean absolutely nothing to the uninitiated. The danger with jargon is that it tends to exclude and segregate, rather than include and integrate. It can create a chasm between what people know and what they need to know.

This short series about demystifying terminology will help you to understand more so that you can think and act more effectively.

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Introduction

'Flying Monkeys' is a term commonly used when talking about narcissists and their relationships.

The winged monkeys were characters in the The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, published in 1900 by L. Frank Baum and illustrated by W. W. Denslow. They belonged to the Wicked Witch of the West, who lived in a beautiful castle and exercised her power through various creatures that she controlled:  

• A pack of 40 great wolves.
• A flock of 40 crows.
• A swarm of black bees.
• An army of 'Winkies' (natives of the land in the west of Oz, known as Winkie Country).
• A group of winged, or flying, monkeys.

The flying monkeys were described as jungle monkeys with bird-like wings who are intelligent, playful and speak English. They were compelled to obey the Wicked Witch via an Enchanted Cap. Eventually, the central character of the story, Dorothy, melts away the Wicked Witch of the West using a bucket of water.

Why have I included this detail?

The Narcissist's View of Relationship and Friendship

Real friends and relationships do not exist for a narcissist.

The people whom they label as friends are simply those who provide the narcissist with what they want: adulation, attention, support and a listening ear, which we call 'narcissistic supply.'

Friends only exist for as long as they serve the narcissist's wants. After that they are discarded and replaced.

Friends are like every other human being: they exist solely for the narcissist's benefit. Friendships (and relationships) are actually 'transactions:' there is no emotional value other than pleasing the narcissist. It is a one-way flow.

This is highly relevant to how narcissists use friends to achieve their aims. It is almost as if the friends are so duped by the narcissist's sob story of victimhood that they are under some enchantment: they act at the narcissist's behest, often without question.

The Narcissist and Loyalty

Narcissists are loyal to nobody, not even themselves. However, they expect absolute loyalty from others.

Failure to demonstrate our loyalty to the narcissist is likely to result in us being banished to some far kingdom, away from their inner circle of power. Of course, it may not happen in such a spectacular manner. Covert narcissists will simply stop contacting us and be impossible to contact. It is almost as if they become a ghost.

What are Flying Monkeys?

Flying monkeys are those people who help the narcissist get their own way. They can also be used to punish targets of abuse, without the narcissist having to get their hands dirty in such sordid work.

Flying monkeys are the people who accept the narcissist's story, often without question and who join in fighting for justice for the abuser. Narcissists play a great victim, made even more believable by their mask of deception, which is so strong that others are sucked into the vortex of lies and deceit, without asking questions.

Flying monkeys have status, position and significance in the eyes of the victim / target of abuse. They may be people in positions of authority, close friends or people with whom the victim has been vulnerable and shared their thoughts, fears and concerns.

Why Do Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys?

Here are some reasons why narcissists use flying monkeys.

There may be some overlap but this only demonstrates further, the complexity of narcissistic control over a victim / target of abuse.

Control

Narcissists are obsessed with control because if they lose it (or feel they have lost it) they are vulnerable to being exposed for who they really are. So, they use flying monkeys to gain 'power-over' their target / victim, thereby remaining superior and in-charge.

Manipulation

Manipulation is when someone makes a decision for themselves, based upon something they are shown or told which is untrue.

Flying monkeys disempower victims of abuse by undermining their confidence, self-esteem and identity. When powerful, influential people and friends say and do things that reinforce what the abuser is telling us, we naturally assume they must be right. Victims are crushed by the betrayal of their friends. They feel unheard, unloved and increasingly isolated. THESE are exactly aims of the narcissist!

Induce Fear

When gripped by fear, our brains shift into a 'fright, flight, fight or fear' mode. Logical thought is impossible. We rely upon reflex reactions to keep ourselves safe.

When flying monkeys relay information to a victim from their abuser, they send a clear message of, 'You are being watched!' The victim never feels safe, becoming hypervigilant and stressed over the simplest of actions. A stressed victim is likely to become ill, disorientated and lose their sense of reality, the perfect condition for narcissists to get their way easily and punish their target at the same time.

Lack of Accountability and Avoiding Blame

Flying monkeys, deceived by the narcissist's mask of victimhood, are the perfect means of carrying-out the narcissist's dirty deeds. By keeping themself 'separate' from the abuse, a narcissist can claim innocence and remain unaccountable for their actions. In such situations, the narcissist also maintains the 'higher ground' by not becoming embroiled in such petty or low activities. They project the responsibility onto their flying monkeys. Blame predominates where narcissists exist so, this too, can be projected onto the flying monkeys: 'They chose to do it!' or 'I didn't make them do it; it was their own choice!'

Increase an Abuser's Impact

As we discussed previously, flying monkeys are often people with power, influence and significance in the life of the target of abuse. They may be a family member, close friend, solicitor, manager or community leader. By using these people as flying monkeys, the abuser can to amplify their impact upon their victim.

We can, therefore, better understand and appreciate how one person (narcissist) can create such far-reaching toxicity and destruction within communities (including families), organisations and societies .

Isolate a Victim

Isolation is one of the narcissist's most powerful weapons in maintaining and tightening control over their victim. It usually starts during a relationship, under the guise of 'spending more quality time together.'

An isolated person has no reference for normality, other than their own relationship and experience. They also feel alone so are more open to messages given by the narcissist. The resulting sense of powerlessness is the perfect foundation for deception, manipulation and control by their abuser.

Flying monkeys add weight to the abuser's message and also help to create the effect that 'nobody' believes the abused person.

Disorientate the Victim

'Gaslighting' is another buzzword in the narcissistic world (explained more fully in a separate post). In short, it is when an abuser creates a false sense of reality for a victim. It is more than just lying and denying. The abuser lies and then makes the victim feel responsible for the abuse. As this behaviour repeats, victims are less sure of what is real and what is false. All they 'know' is that they are the cause. Of course, they aren't, but as long as a narcissist can keep their target trapped in this unreality, they can exert more control and get what they want more easily.

Flying monkeys are often the unwitting messengers of gaslighting, adding to the victim's misery and confusion through losing a true standard for 'reality.'

Coercion

Coercion is more significant than manipulation.

Coercion is when someone is forced, against their will, conscience or morals, to do or say something. It is using threats to get what we want, even if we must break the law to do so. For example, a wife may be forced to accept a speeding ticket on behalf of her husband as he is already on maximum penalty points. He may achieve this result by using threats of violence, divorce, financial loss, etc.

Flying monkeys, once again, add pressure to making an innocent person accept the blame for something they did not do.

Remedies to Flying Monkeys

A head-on challenge of flying monkeys rarely works. They have already been persuaded by the narcissist's story, so challenging them often only convinces them that the abuser is correct. Remember, narcissists are devious and will have already woven a storyline that makes any attempt at defence, an admission of guilt.

However, we can always ask the flying monkey questions that force them to explain further. By putting the emphasis back on them, we may just help them to see, for themselves, how they are being manipulated.

We must remember that every story has two sides AND we must discover BOTH before making a decision on who / neither we believe.

Taking sides is rarely a good idea, unless it protects someone from potential danger, harm or death.

We must use our mind to create an opinion from all of the evidence, not just that which we like, or is convenient for us to believe.

Ultimately, it falls firmly upon our own shoulders to decide for ourselves and upon those decisions we stand or fall. Spending time reaching our decision is much wiser than being implicated in a victim's suicide because of our words or actions.

How Do Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys: Real-Life Examples

1. Leaders were chosen that were in a position to 'make or break' a friend's opportunities for their talents, influence and relationship. By accepting the abuser's story and refusing to accept any other explanation, the leaders isolated the victim by influencing more than 400 'friends' and connections in just a few days.
2. Whilst eating in a restaurant, some (formerly close) friends spoke to a friend of mine about how distraught their partner was since the decision to divorce was made, 'without opportunity for discussion.' My friend had been discussing how their partner's behaviour was adversely affecting their marriage, for the previous ten years.
3. Whilst out walking their dog, a friend encountered a group of former colleagues who mentioned that their affair had destroyed the partner. The partner was having the affair, not my friend.
4. An enjoyable cup of coffee was interrupted by a group of former friends sitting at the next table. Occasionally, voices would be dropped whilst furtive eyes glanced in our direction. Every so often, one or two voices would rise to deliver 'sound bytes' of information relating to the break-up of my friend's marriage, giving the message that they were on their own. A couple of weeks later, when at home, their partner came in to mention that my friend had been 'seen sitting at a table with other men!'

Conclusions

Flying monkeys are a powerful means of destroying a person and any arguments they may have against the truth of what is happening.

The messages conveyed often heighten anxiety, fear, self-vigilance and uncertainty in their target, crushing spirits, raising doubts, distorting reality until the victim's mental and physical health suffer.

Flying monkeys add weight to the narcissist's message whilst creating a sense of isolation in the target. They are often enablers of significant injury, even death.

EACH ONE OF US has a responsibility to beware of what we hear and who says it. We are called to carefully balance both sides of a story before we decide on whether it is true. Even then, taking sides is rarely a wise move as it closes down communication and can, inadvertently, help a narcissist destroy a partner, friend or colleague.