What is Narcissistic Future Faking?

Introduction

Future faking is another buzzword used within the context of narcissism.

This short review looks at future faking within the context of narcissistic relationships:

• What narcissists seek to achieve and how.
• What is future faking?
• Why do narcissists use future faking?

So let's start with the narcissist and what they want to achieve.

The Narcissist's Aims and How They Achieve Them

A narcissist seeks to please themselves, with no cost to themselves.

They focus upon who they will use and how they will use them. Since narcissists lack empathy and are under-developed emotionally, this amounts to using anybody, in any way necessary to get anything.

Narcissists rely totally upon the opinions and praise of others (external validation) for their sense of worth and purpose. Anything that challenges or, more importantly, is perceived by the narcissist to challenge their right to these things, represents a threat to their security and their identity. It will unleash reactions and behaviours to insignificant remarks that include rage, severing relationships, cold and calculated silence, plus anything in between.

In order to receive this supply, narcissists will control, manipulate and coerce others and situations: whatever it takes to get the necessary results. Partners, friends, colleagues, family or acquaintances caught-up in any fallout or damage are simply collateral casualties who are left to others for repair and recovery.

Narcissists are so focused on winning over a potential ally or partner, that everything moves very quickly and with high intensity. Time is compressed: what may take a year in a normal, healthy relationship, takes only a few dates or weeks with a narcissist (this is one way of identifying narcissistic behaviour during the early stages of a relationship). Rather than checking whether there is a good match between themselves and a partner / ally, they us strategies to get the partner to fall in love and commit to them before they have fully committed to the other person (although their words will express undying love and the 'perfect match').

It is only after after full commitment that a narcissist decides whether the partner is what they really want. This is unhealthy and unethical.

One of the narcissist's most powerful and cruelest weapons in gaining commitment is Future faking.

Future Faking

Future faking is used to reel in a new lover or partner (or colleague) and is where a narcissist describes elaborate, detailed plans and vision for the future, most of which are untrue or unlikely. In some cases, this may not be to intentionally fool partners: the narcissist simply moves too quickly to consider how the future will really turn-out and how they will disappoint.

Future faking is often combined with 'love bombing,' over-the-top use of compliments and gifts. Together they are a potent brew for dispelling fears, papering over cracks and baiting the hook. Feelings take over from thoughts and the snare closes. Partners are frequently wooed into taking the plunge and seeing what happens. They may also be afraid to miss out on true love. It is IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER that narcissists are full of charm and charisma and are experts in deception: their highly detailed descriptions of romance are highly ironic because one thing they are masters of is dysfunctional relationships -- they are hopeless at maintaining true, romantic relationships, even when they describe themselves as the latest Casanova.

As the name suggests, it is all a fake. What may initially bring some happiness will end as a series of traumatic disappointments because once a narcissist sees that the other person is fully committed, the chase is over, the prey is hooked.

Narcissists quickly become bored or disillusioned when they start to see signs of 'ordinary' in their potential partner.

It is at this stage that devaluing begins.

After the highs of adulation and gifts, the narcissist begins to highlight flaws, faults and failings in their partner. Warmth suddenly becomes a cold indifference. Remaining in the relationship will only result in being ignored or discarded for a better model.

Future faking is more common than we may think, particularly on apps and websites relating to intimate relationships.

Why Fake the Future?

Narcissists lack self-awareness, especially when it comes to emotions.

They are a child trapped within an adult body. Being able to differentiate between sincerity and insincerity is rare so they use whatever means are available to get what they want.

Whilst they may feel sincere in their enthusiasm, they also feel free to change their mind whenever they want. When their infatuation wears off, they lose interest in fulfilling any of the plans they have described in so much detail and clarity. When narcissists do change their mind, they will rationalise their reasons, often using a classic 'bait and switch' where the narcissist draws their partner into a conversation and then becomes the victim, whilst making-out their partner to be the victim.

Here are a few examples of how narcissists try to rationalise their change of mind:

• 'I meant it when I said it. But things just didn’t work out between us. Why blame me?'
• 'They are not who I thought they were. They fooled me. I don’t owe them anything'.
• 'You should have realised that I was just being entertaining. It was a joke!'
• 'It was fun while it lasted!'

Narcissists may use future faking intentionally as a seduction technique, even when they have no intention of any meaningful relationship. These are typically tempestuous affairs with plenty of rampant sex, but little depth. The narcissist simply exploits a person who longs for a loving, long-term relationship by saying anything to achieve their own aims.

Narcissists feel superior, entitled and generally disinterested in anybody else. They tend to avoid general conversation, engaging in future faking as a way to avoid real conversation and engage in a bit of play or mischief to keep themselves entertained.

Examples of Future Faking

'Have you ever been to New England in Autumn? The colours are amazing and there are so many walks and places to visit. It is like a bright patchwork quilt, the cooler weather painting the landscape in broad strokes of scarlet, gold and shocking orange. Locals break out their wool sweaters as the air turns crisp and the summer-blue sky deepens into cobalt. I love the Maine coast with its secluded bays. Let's take a trip together. I know the area well and we can enjoy so many romantic moments together.'

Although future faking is usually allied to romantic relationships, narcissists may use a variant to manipulate potential business partners into a quick deal / no-deal decision, such as:

'I can see us now, working in partnership, stealing that corner of the market and expanding to become world leaders. We would be International leaders in our field. Everyone will want to do business with us and we can easily create our own business empire. Of course, we can promote our altruistic work too so that everyone of our clients knows we care about them, their families and their concerns. We will be laughing all the way to the bank. Lets get moving on this. I know lots of experts who will help: they owe me a favour,'

It all sounds so enthusiastic and sincere; almost too good to be true!

Conclusions

Future faking is a cruel, often calculated, strategy used by narcissists to lure people into a relationship that will benefit only the narcissist, especially in romantic relationships.

The narcissist creates a glowing and detailed picture of how a the future together looks. However, this is unlikely to happen, leaving the non-narcissist distressed, confused and deflated.

Narcissists may also use future faking to enjoy themselves or to entertain somebody in whom they are interested ... for the moment. It is a great way to get sex and validation.

Narcissists may actually start by believing their own stories but experience shows that they are unlikely to see it through.

In all situations, the other person is likely to end up frustrated, angry, hurt and disappointed.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts