The Perfect Match: Narcissists and Romance

Narcissists and Life

Narcissists are consistent in one thing: EVERYTHING is about them.

Whether they are talking to friends, discussing business, spending time with their family or looking for a relationship, the results must favour them before they commit. But, like everything else in a narcissist's life, they clothe their true intentions and true self using deceit (the mask). So, unless one is very observant or aware of their tricks, we can easily be fooled.

WHENEVER we interact with a narcissist, we must remember that they are showing us the opposite of their true self. Narcissists are totally defined by external factors (possessions, appearance, position, status, what others think of them). As these external factors change, the narcissist's self-worth changes accordingly: more money means greater status and self-importance ('success'); less money means diminished status and self-importance ('failure'). Their lives are constantly volatile and unstable, compounded by an inability to accurately reflect and consider. EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else are pawns to the narcissist's sense of self-esteem and value.

Sadly, it is no different in romance.

Narcissists and Romance

Narcissists lack empathy, so their 'love interest' is nothing more than an object of desire, object of obsession, a quest, a triumph, a challenge, a chase: all for the benefit of the narcissist. Once again, the focus is the narcissist, their wants, needs and intentions.

Narcissists are looking for one thing only in a relationship: supply. How they get it does not matter. However, they are smart enough to realise that normal human beings do not look at romance this way, which is where the deceit, lies and persuasion begin.

The narcissist's aim is to have a romantic partner hooked, committed and trapped as quickly as possible. They get supply from the chase and from the perverse knowledge that they are deceiving someone into a trap. The sooner it all happens, the better.

We have examined the narcissistic cycle of Love Bombing, Devaluing and Discarding in other posts (see) but to summarise it quickly:

1. Love Bombing - A target is built up, complimented, encouraged and made to feel the centre of attention through kindness, and attention overload. A narcissist cannot do enough to please their love interest, who often feels overwhelmed.
2. Devaluing - Without warning the narcissist criticises everything they have professed to love about their target. They also engage in gaslighting (psychological destruction of their target's sense of self-esteem, value and reality), destabilising them and making them easy to manipulate and control. The target assumes blame for whatever has happened.
3. Discarding - Once the narcissist is tired of their love interest, or have found another good source of supply, they are abandoned, 'proving' how little they really mean to the narcissist.

Steps 1 and 2 above may happen repeatedly before step 3 or the full cycle, from 1 to 3 and back to 1 again may repeat. All are cruel cycles of devaluation, confusion and the non-narcissist accepting blame. Narcissists frequently overplay their hand and are quickly rejected by the new source of supply, at which point, they come crawling back to their discarded target, begging for forgiveness (fake) and promising to change. The ONLY thing that changes if the narcissist is accepted back, is that the persecution, gaslighting and abuse get worse!

Therefore, it is important to identify the warning signs of being wooed by a narcissist, before things become too embroiled or developed. Here are some 'red flags' or warning signs that the relationship is heading for stormy waters and the narcissist is NOT who we have been led to believe they are.

Warning Signs for Narcissism

1. Speed - Narcissists push everything to develop and happen (too) quickly. It is almost as if there is no time to breathe until we are required to take the next step.
2. Lavish and Expensive Gifts in Over-Abundance - Narcissists aim is to create a sense of obligation and being in debt. The target feels obligated by the narcissist's generosity, quickly becoming overwhelmed and embroiled in the relationship,
3. Strong and Sustained Emotional Input Required - Narcissists are notoriously bad at giving (except giving abuse). They start out playing 'saviour' to the target, 'rescuing' them from a life of rejection and loneliness. However, this quickly changes and the narcissist quickly assumes the role of 'life's victim' requiring continuous emotional support and loving input.
4. Depth of Commitment - Narcissists move quickly into the phase of commitment. They use phrases and behaviours that create a mirage of security, care and affection. In reality, these flow ONLY from the target to the narcissist. Marriage or moving in together. Ideas about starting a family together are often added to the brew of deceit.
5. Extensive Reconnaissance - Narcissists want to know as much about their target as possible, NOT because they are genuinely interested from an emotional point-of-view, but because they want to learn the target's trigger points, weaknesses, strengths, wants, loves, desire. This is all stored, ready to be used against their love interest, repeatedly. It will come out in arguments, as justification for inappropriate and abusive behaviour; however, the narcissist needs to use it in order to control and gain supply.
6. Use 'Give Away' Statements - Narcissists LOVE their deluded sense of romantic. They also love to deceive partners quickly into deep relationships by creating an image of harmony, fate and perfection. Look out for phrases like, 'When I first saw you, I thought, "She WILL be mine!"' 'We are made for each other,' 'We are the perfect match,' 'Ours is a romance made in heaven,' 'I have always dreamed of meeting someone like you.'
7. Self-Contradiction - Narcissists do not care whether they contradict themselves or go back on their word. It is part of their gaslighting strategy and is used to confuse, disorientate and soften their target. If challenged, they either explain it away as the target's misinterpretation ('It didn't happen like that') or flatly deny it, even with evidence before them to the contrary (such as a video or voice recording). Nothing happens or exists unless the narcissist says it does and, even then, it can (and will) change when the narcissist deems it necessary or convenient).
8. Unrealistic Expectations and Promises - Narcissists exaggerate, badly, especially when they need something, like a favour. They will promise the earth, but deliver nothing, whilst expecting the earth from their partner and complaining if they do not get it. They can be dreamers who have magnificent and grandiose ideas or aims, but do not deliver on anything, unless forced to by the threat of loss-of-credibility or of appearing imperfect.
9. Victim Mentality - Narcissists will turn every opportunity so that they appear to be the victim, ESPECIALLY when talking to family or friends about the relationship. They have been the victim of an unreasonable partner, an unfair ruling by a biased judge, a fine or punishment for something they did not do, the spurned, devoted spouse in an abusive relationship. Notice how each of these accusations actually refers to the narcissist's own behaviour AGAINST someone else, a process known as 'projection.'
10. Avoid Answering Questions About Themselves - Narcissists will tell you almost anything they want you to know, that is, anything that inflates their ego, status or power. They are closed-doors when it comes to sharing anything about themselves that they do NOT want you to know. If pressed, they can become defensive, aggressive or violent, depending upon the circumstances.
11. History of Repeated Unsuccessful Relationships - Narcissists lack empathy so CANNOT form deep or meaningful relationships with anybody, including themselves. They are also unable to meaningfully reflect upon their behaviour, are incapable of being wrong and avoid accountability and responsibility as much as possible. It is always somebody else's fault! Consequently, their behaviours repeat with each new relationship, with the same consequences: breakdown, unhappiness, blame and victimhood.
12. Shallow or Nebulous Ideas of Commitment and Relationship - Narcissists expect TOTAL commitment from their partner or spouse BUT refuse to reciprocate that commitment. All emotional input, attention and commitment flows towards the narcissist, with none in return, apart from an occasional token gesture in order to secure supply. They may endlessly talk about devotion and commitment, but none of it materialises. Relationships to narcissists are transactions, something to 'gain from', NOT 'contribute to'.
13. Few Friends - Narcissists rarely have true friends. Many have encountered their toxicity and demands before, choosing to stay clear. Narcissists, especially the covert variety, do not trust anyone: many are paranoid, so friendships are a threat rather than a blessing. Some may have 'school mates' but few from more recent years.
14. Press for Increasing Isolation - Narcissists gain most and lose least when their relationship with a target is secretive or separate. Beware of suggestions to 'spend more time together, just the two of us'. This is NOT romantic; it is a malicious attempt to isolate their love interest from support, making them easier to deceive, control and manipulate.
15. See Things as Black and White with No Shades of Grey - Narcissists are highly and strongly opinionated. They must be right, CANNOT be wrong, cannot discuss (only dictate). People are either 'friend' or 'enemy', 'lover 'or 'hater' (disagreement means hater). People MUST be EITHER one or the other; they cannot be both. Once a person has 'transgressed' they are cast aside to become an enemy. This is consistent across all of their relationships. Many are bonded through trauma to their parental abusers or favourite offspring/siblings.
16. Volatile Temper and Childish Behaviour or Thinking - Narcissists have shallow emotions, fragile friendships and an ever-shifting ego, built upon external factors. They hate change. They hate losing control. Any of these things leads to internal panic, combined with the inability to regulate or control their emotions. The result can be 'narcissistic rage' where everything comes out at once and all control is lost. They act like children, they reason like children, they are children in an adult body. Rage may not be seen very much during the early stages of a relationship but once seen, it can never be 'unseen.' The effects of the target are devastating; emotionally and often physically.

Some of these will be quickly apparent (1,2,3,4,5,6,8,9,10,15). Others (6 7,9,11,12,13,14,15,16) may take time to show themselves as the narcissist becomes less-guarded. Yet others (7,9,10,11,12,13,15) may take a conscious effort to discover by asking specific questions. Some (6,7,9,10,13,14,16) will arise through inconsistencies and changed stories depending upon the time, situation or who is present.

We can subtly 'force the agenda' by asking questions that are basic for normal people, but threaten a narcissist. Narcissists can never do anything wrong or that is average and they hate/refuse to admit weaknesses (these both signal failure in the narcissist's thinking). We may also ask the same question in different ways: narcissists will answer whatever they feel is right 'at the time' and they may openly deny having previously said something if you ask them about it or gently challenge their answer. It will definitely be you at fault ('You haven't remembered it properly' or 'It wasn't like that' or 'No, you said that' or simply, 'No I didn't!'

It is important to remember that we are all human so sometimes we will get our words mixed-up, or forget what we said, etc. What we are looking for with narcissists is consistent or repeated patterns of behaviour over a period of time (which may not be long if it happens regularly). ALL sound plausible and acceptable within the context of a normal relationship, but narcissists are not normal. They are dysfunctional and destructive.

We are not on a witch hunt to 'out' all narcissists. However, we ARE looking to protect ourselves by discovering worrying trends in behaviour which may indicate that our prospective date is a narcissist on the prowl. It's about intelligent love rather than blind love.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts