The Best Way to Raise Narcissists: A Cautionary Tale

This article summarises how narcissism develops through childhood into adolescence and adulthood and provides a helpful checklist for our own actions as children, adults and parents.

Narcissism is a Mental Dysfunction Not a Mental Illness

Unlike many other conditions that affect mental health, narcissism has not yet been associated with clearly defined changes in brain structure or chemical balance, other than those seen when we respond to our environment or engage in addictive practices.

Narcissism is a set of behaviours designed to protect the narcissist whilst getting what they want, regardless of cost to others and, on occasions, to the narcissist themself. It is developed during the early years of life, creating toxic and destructive adolescents and, subsequently, toxic and destructive adults.

A mental illness can often be treated or managed by psychotherapy or medicinal intervention. There is no such treatment for narcissists. Psychotherapy exists but it is rarely successful long-term as narcissists use it as a playground to ensnare their therapist, or they deny any need for treatment.

Can Narcissism Be Prevented?

The easy answer is 'yes' but the difficulty is that it requires society to turn away from the things it currently covets most: 'me-focus,' status, visibility, wealth, possessions, celebrity, entitlement, inability to fail or make mistakes (often driven by fear of litigation, which is also driven by narcissism), lack of accountability for our mistakes and binary views (love or hate, black or white, good or bad). In short, materialism. These are the standards by which we judge success and narcissists are highly 'successful' by these standards!

But narcissists achieve their success through selfishness, denial of responsibility, excessive litigation, lack of accountability and their black-and-white views. They disrupt and ultimately, destroy whatever they are involved with because their lack of empathy means that they do NOT care about the damage they cause.

It is all about their personal survival, personal success, at the EXPENSE of others. They shatter relationships, communities and, ultimately, society. From the narcissist's perspective, there can ONLY be ONE winner and winning comes regardless of the pain and cost to others. The majority (others) die for success and survival of the one (the narcissist).

In order to prevent and reverse narcissism, we must be willing to adopt an attitude of interdependence rather than independence, of togetherness rather than individualism, of 'we' rather than 'me.' This will not happen without each person taking responsibility for their own attitudes and actions.

Is Narcissism Inherited or Taught?

The answer is most probably 'both.'

A child may develop into a narcissist for a number of reasons. These include the way in which genes are expressed (genetics and epigenetics) and the environment in which the child is raised and interacts with others.

Dr Ramani Durvasula, in her excellent book, "Don't You Know Who I Am?" lists 11 key factors that promote the development of narcissism in children, toxic individuals who, throughout their lifetime will destroy relationships, businesses and life itself.

Here are Dr Ramani's 11 points; her 'formula for raising a narcissist.'

1. Be Emotionally Unavailable

'Many are the times when a parent is staring at a phone, rather than at the child in their arms.' Technology can be a blessing for keeping us connected but, it is also a distraction. How many parents unwittingly deny their children psychological availability through distraction? The temptation to delay playing or talking with our children 'for just another minute' because of something on a device, is huge. Those minutes become hours and those hours become days when added up throughout a year. Children do not need twenty-four-hour monitoring but they DO need our presence and attention when we are 'present' (with them).

2. Buy Them Their Own Tablet and Smartphone When They are One Year Old

Key parts of a child's development are the ability/opportunity to connect, imitate and attach to their parents. Just as parents are easily distracted by their screens, so are babies. Attachment to their screens denies them the opportunity to learn how to interact, other than shouting/crying when they need something or do not get their own way. Evidence suggests that early attachment to screens slows or impairs a child's ability to develop language and social interaction. This is already clearly visible in recent generations where young adults become anxious and, frankly, incapable of basic, day-to-day, non-goal-orientated interaction (chats).

It is interesting that the American Academy of Paediatrics recommends that children under 12 months old should NOT interact with devices. If they do, we set a clock ticking. Are we prepared to sacrifice our own wants to stop the rot?

3. Make Them Feel That the World Is a Dangerous Place

A key way to discover new things and learn is through exploring, but we only explore when we are confident that we can return to safety. Bonding between children and parents and vice-versa is key to empowering our children with the confidence to explore and try new things. Exploring, going into unknown territory, is scary and requires secure attachment (confidence) that help will be there if needed. Trying new things and discovering their abilities and aptitudes is much easier when children know that their parents are responsive to their needs. It is important that our children are 'street-savvy' and 'streetwise,' NOT anxious, about the world in which they live.

4. Deny Their Emotions

The expression of emotions is critical for good mental health. Anger, disappointment and sadness are all uncomfortable but necessary. Many of us have grown up being told not to express our emotions and 'get over them.' Why? Because adults are uncomfortable with them. If we are sad, we are sad. The aim is not to get past it as quickly as we can. It is important to experience it and process it. The same is true for all emotions. We learn that such feelings are valid and normal. Children who learn to feel their emotions carry that knowledge into adulthood. However, when we deny the emotions, we often project them onto others; a key trait in narcissism.

5. Fix Their Problems for Them

Perpetually defending our children when they get low marks at school, or are not up to the standard required to take part in team activities, by an angry telephone call, email or visit to the child's tutor/coach/teacher, is unhealthy and unwise; but increasingly common Through such behaviour, a child quickly learns that, no matter what they do, someone will take responsibility for their actions or failings.

Failure is a powerful way of learning, providing that we accept responsibility for the 'failure' and learn from it. Likewise, when children accept their part in what went 'wrong' (misunderstanding, playing around in class, not listening, etc) they learn that actions have consequences AND that by taking responsibility, they learn how to solve the problems for themselves (change behaviour, seek help, etc).

6. Behave in an Entitled Manner in Front of Them

Children watch and mirror (imitate) what people say and do, especially those they deem as 'important' (parents, carers and relations). So, our interactions with others, especially teachers, customer service personnel, restaurant waiting staff, family members and strangers will be watched and mimicked. If children see us using entitled behaviour (one rule for me, another for everyone else), they will use it too. "Don't you know who I am?" attitudes are contagious.

7. Never Let Them Be Disappointed

This ties in with items 4 and 5 above. Disappointment is uncomfortable, both for the person concerned and for those looking on. But it is real and it is valid. In fact, learning to feel the disappointment and tolerate the discomfort is critical for becoming a well-regulated adult. If a child is crying, be there for them and comfort them but, let them 'cry it out' (deal with it on their own). Also, let them know that because they may have 'failed' they are NOT a 'failure:' there is likely to be another opportunity and if there isn't, it is a powerful learning experience.

Allowing children to feel and sort out their disappointments improves their mental health, protecting them from engaging in harmful behaviours (alcohol, smoking, substance abuse, self-harming, 'retail therapy') and falling prey to other conditions that arise when we are cannot process our emotions or cope with disappointment (eating disorders, impulse control disorders, gambling, unbridled anger outbursts).

8. Compliment Superficial Attributes

We live in a culture obsessed with appearance (looks, weight, height, physique, hair). These are EXTERNAL attributes over which we often have little control. When children see these as signs of success, being worthy, or even being accepted, their self-esteem becomes fragile. We confuse beauty with youthfulness so, when we become adults, we harshly assess and criticise people's looks (including our own). Over-emphasis on these superficial measures often leads to entitlement, the expectation that we are owed it, even though we have not done anything, to achieve it.

If we have been validated on our looks as young people, ageing becomes our enemy. As we lose our source of attention, acclaim and adulation we fall prey to significant mental distress, leading to (amongst others) anxiety and depression. Plus, we may empty our bank account through endless restorative surgery. Have you noticed the increase in need for cosmetic surgery, especially amongst certain celebrities and high-profile individuals?

[It is important to emphasise and compliment children on values and behaviours like kindness, thoughtfulness, work ethic, persistence and good deeds. These all matter for a stable, happy and successful SOCIETY because they redirect focus onto who we are, not what we have been given. The children learn to value themselves using internal factors, not external.]

9. Develop Extrinsic Value Systems

Our current culture is obsessed with achievement, signs of material success (cars, houses, boats and possessions, family, status, how fast or far we can run, etc. These are, once again, EXTERNAL and are 'things.' Like superficial attributes, children who see them as indicators of personal value, success, of being worthy and accepted, develop highly variable self-esteem. If they, or their family, have lots of things, they are successful, valid and worthy. If they do not, or they lose possessions etc, through no fault of their own, they become a failure, unimportant, unnoticed, irrelevant. These are lies!

Over-emphasis on such external measures also creates the expectation that it will always be like this and they deserve it, even if they have done nothing other than being born to rich parents.

High screen time on devices also exposes children to unbridled advertising through websites, games and apps. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) report that the average daily screen time (hours) per age group, EXCLUDING educational purposes, in the US are:

• 6 hours for 8- to 10-year-olds.
• 9 hours for 11- to 14-year-olds.
• 7.5 hours for 15- to 18-year-olds.

The relentless advertising is driving today's children towards being hyperconsumers rather than givers. This is not good for them or society as a whole.

[It is much more important that children learn to look outwards (volunteering, community groups, visiting family or friends, spending time outdoors, joining uniformed organisation like scouts or guides) rather than spending the weekend tied-up with consumerism and materialism.]

10. Insult and Criticise Your Child

There is an increasing trend in parents to hurl insults, abuse and criticism at their child, using them as a punch bag for the parent's own inability to regulate, control or process their emotions. Many claim that they are 'only joking' or having a bit of fun, but young children are incapable of telling the difference between 'fun' and reality. Their 'fun' and 'joking' damages their children, often permanently. That said, it happens and sadly, many of the parents who insult and criticise their children are the same ones who are emotionally unavailable because of distraction by devices, friends, home situations: anything!

When children come way down their parent's priorities, they feel distanced and rejected, adapting behaviours that get themselves noticed: good or bad makes no difference. As the cycle continues, the child's need to be seen increases and the behaviours escalate.

The children devalue themselves, feeling inadequate, hurt and rejected but do not have the emotional rigor (resilience) to know how to deal with it so, these damaged children often grow up to be 'damaged children trapped inside an adult body:' narcissists.

11. Put Your Child in Harm's Way

Some of us have grown up with abuse, either from family or friends of family. We can unwittingly normalise such behaviour as a defence mechanism against the trauma that was caused to us. We become more relaxed in our monitoring of our children and, suddenly, just like that, our children are exposed to the same, or worse, abuse than we were and the pattern of damage is continued into another generation. Narcissistic parents (especially the malignant type, where narcissism combines with elements of antisocial personality disorder) may also knowingly expose their children to unnecessary risk of danger, damage or harm, by holding them out of a high-up window, or driving recklessly whilst they are in the car, driving without safety seats or proper securing for the child (a legal requirement).

Whilst we cannot shield our children from every source of danger, we, as their parents, have a responsibility to look out for their safety, especially exposure to potentially abusive situations or people. Trauma from abuse sets-up the type of insecurities and personality defects seen in narcissists, for life.

CHECKLIST: 11 KEY FACTORS FOR RAISING NARCISSISTS

Here are the 11 points as a checklist.

If we AVOID doing these, we will reduce the chances of creating situations that cause psychological (and physical) damage to our children, thereby decreasing the chances of them becoming dysfunctional narcissists.

1. Be Emotionally Unavailable
2. Buy Them Their Own Tablet and Smartphone When They Are One Year Old
3. Make Them Feel the World Is a Dangerous Place
4. Deny Their Emotions
5. Fix Their Problems for Them
6. Behave In an Entitled Manner in Front of Them
7. Never Let Them Be Disappointed
8. Compliment Superficial Attributes
9. Develop Extrinsic Value Systems
10. Insult And Criticise Your Child
11. Put Your Child in Harm's Way

There are Always Exceptions

There are occasions where children from normal, healthy, loving families become narcissists and cases of children of narcissists growing up to be healthy, balanced, caring and genuinely loving people. This may be due to temperament, or predisposition to how we react to situations. Research continues.

What This Means

Narcissism is complex and poorly understood by the majority of people. It has become a buzzword to describe someone who is being selfish, entitled or attention-seeking. We ALL have narcissistic traits that we use in our daily lives but which we temper with empathy, the understanding of how our words and actions affect others.

Narcissism is FAR MORE pervasive, dangerous and significant than a lapse into being human. It is a consistent pattern of actions and reactions that are toxic to everyone, including the narcissist. It is a condition of dysfunction, a choice of maladaptive behaviours that protect the narcissist whilst destroying others. It is created, influenced, enhanced and incentivised by a society that strives for these attitudes and goals, even though they are destructive.

Prevention and reversal of narcissism requires self-sacrifice, which is unpopular and threatening in our current world of instant response and gratification. If we don't prevent narcissism, it WILL destroy us. If this seems harsh, look at the powers that rose to greatness and dominance, since the beginning of time and dissolved into chaos and destruction through the effects of narcissism and a general feeling of helplessness, followed by apathy, in the populations involved.

Reference:

Ramani S Durvasula, "Don't You Know Who I Am?" Post Hill Press, New York & Nashville (2019)

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts