Social Media and Narcissism: Are they Linked?

Is Social Media Good or Bad? 

Social media, the turf on which good and evil fight it out to the death, where armchair warriors attack others from the safety of their bathroom and where people bare their soul for the world to see. 

But is it all bad? Is it all good? Is social media somewhere that we can expect to meet narcissists and come under their influence?

There is no doubt that good, bad and ugly pursuits are broadcast on the various social media platforms. But, in its simplest form, social media is a MEDIUM, an agency or means of doing something. It is neutral and has no bias. Just as water is a medium in which we can float, swim or drown, the outcome is not the fault of the water per se, it is based on the skills, aptitudes and actions of the person using it. To the accomplished swimmer, water is something to be enjoyed and embraced. To the non-swimmer, it is dangerous and to be treated with care or avoided. But even when a strong swimmer encounters powerful currents and fast flowing water, it can be a threat and a danger. 

In a similar way, social media is a means of communication; a route for expression and engagement. 

How well it performs its role depends upon its technological attributes. How good, effective, useful or toxic it is, depends upon the people using it. The entity of social media is no different to any other type of communication. However, written communication lacks tone of voice, facial expression, touch, volume and nuance. It is a basic expression of what we mean by what we write, but because it lacks visual and other human elements, the words are open to interpretation by the reader. So, unless we take time to structure what we say carefully, we are open to misinterpretation.  

We must be very careful not to hold a conversation in our head and then only express half of that conversation via our tablet, laptop, PC or 'phone. The reader rarely takes time to ask the sort of questions they may ask if we were sat face-to-face. Instead, they draw their conclusions based upon what sort of day they are having and how they feel in that moment. 

In other words, social media, the medium through which we express ourselves actually becomes a source of misinterpretation, argument and falling-out because of its user's oversights, inadequacies and sometimes, poor use of language. Writers can also find it easy to be more forward or aggressive from the secrecy of their room, or when they are with a group of friends. We become Social Media Warriors, embarking on a crusade to put everyone else right. Sadly, people who suffer from psychological disorders or mental illness can become obsessed, resulting in stalking, abuse and vindictive behaviour. Once again, the medium per se is not the problem. However, its accessibility and reach are, so it becomes much easier for perpetrators to have far reaching (global) toxic effects. 

When Social Media Becomes AntiSocial Media

Problems arise through the people using the social media: the writers and the readers.

What people post depends upon their self-esteem and their integrity (doing what you say and saying what you do). Our sense of significance is a primary driver of our words and actions and we are engaging in a world and society that increasingly adopts narcissistic thinking: status, significance, celebrity and material possessions are our top priority in life. We are also engaging in far fewer face-to-face, non-tech interactions, so people have lost the ability to debate and argue without falling-out. It has become too easy and the norma to simply block someone who disagrees with us, labelling them as a 'hater' for all to see, whilst giving them no chance to defend their position.

The general undercurrent of much social media reflects these narcissistic expectations. Peer and social pressure, plus the addictive power of browsing and posting, drives us to create a false persona and a fake life and to prove ourselves by fulfilling the expectations of others. If we do not receive many likes, we are a failure. If we get many likes, we are a success, BUT then the pressure comes to maintain that level of acclaim and online status. It is an ever-accelerating hamster wheel. It is a concern that our likes and subscriptions start to 'numerically regulate' how we feel about ourselves. It is well documented that those who engage in this type of thinking suffer heightened anxiety, depression and paranoia, plus a range of physical symptoms.

This dysfunctional thinking is increasing because of the sheer size and reach of the internet: we access the world, from the convenience of our pocket but we also receive the opinions of the world through our screen. Unless we, the users, take steps to restrict its invasion of our lives, online opinion will continue to force itself upon us, unabated. We become 'victims' of narcissistic thinking without being narcissistic ourselves. Without some form of counter-balance, monitoring or moderation, we unwittingly become slaves of our own success and addicts through the effects of dopamine on our brain (dopamine is the brain chemical responsible for reward and addiction of all kinds). Addiction is the end stage of several steps. We do something and get a reward. Over time, the reward dwindles (we become tolerant), until we increase the activity. Slowly we become tolerant again until we become dependent upon the activity (addicted).

Increasing evidence suggests that addiction to social media produces identical effects to crack-cocaine addiction on brain activity patterns and neurotransmitter (brain chemical) activities. Addiction and narcissism also have many common patterns. Indeed, the powerful root of addiction is intermittent reinforcement, the process of providing a reward (even if only a small one) at regular, but infrequent, intervals. We are left hoping that our reward will arrive the next time we play the game, make a social media post, take the drug, have the drink, look at our 'phone. Narcissism produces its trauma in victims through intermittent reinforcement too. The target is left wondering when the next reward or punishment will arrive until the victim is dependent upon the narcissist for decisions, identity and even life. Narcissists also become dependent upon their habits to meet their insatiable need for supply (praise, adoration, attention, etc).

All-in-all, the combination of internet and narcissism is not a good one. Users of social media may not become narcissists themselves, but they do become slaves to narcissistic thinking and influences.

What Can We Do?

Once we become 'successful' we also tend to 'protect our own turf.' We look for short-term gains at the expense of long-term benefits and we focus on one person: ME! This is a narcissistic response. What we fail to realise is that by sharing and supporting each other, everyone benefits, INCLUDING US. This is the philosophy on which many successful businesses and enterprises were built, for example, GE and Boeing. Some of these same enterprises, for example, GE and Boeing have been all but wiped-out when narcissistic thinking and practices have taken over.

The same principles apply to social structures and anything involving human interaction. Where narcissism is, the structure collapses and disintegrates. Social media is no different. Addressing the problem requires us to take responsibility for our own actions and encourage others to do the same, both through what we do and what we say.

Here are some suggestions for guarding against and reducing the effects of narcissism via our online activities.

Reduce Misunderstanding

Check what we write before we post and correct obvious language, terms or expressions that we know may be inflammatory or ambiguous and likely provoke a strong response. Remember that some users exist to be offended so you are only responsible for your post, not their reaction.

Monitor Our Children

Children are highly vulnerable to abuse on the internet, especially if unsupervised. They also pick up pressure from others to conform. Not all voices on the internet are helpful or wholesome. If we do not monitor our child's activity by taking an interest in what they are doing, saying and with whom they are chatting, we cannot be surprised when things go awry. Our success here centres around our relationship with our children. It is not just setting boundaries or respecting the rules. When they understand that we care and why we care, they are much more likely to co-operate. The age of people suffering with anxiety, depression and associated physical health issues (headaches, nausea, upset stomach and bowels) is increasing. This is particularly so in those engaging in increased online activity. There are organisations being established who are redressing the balance and pushing-back against a 'hyper-online' lifestyle for children and young people. One such, Positive Social seeks to 'help young people make better choices about how they spend their time on social media - as well as demonstrate that they don't need to live life on their phones!'

Limit Our Use of Technology and Increase Face-to-Face In-Person Interactions

Technology is highly addictive and very easy to use in place of personal interaction. How often do you hear of members of the same family or office sending e-mails to each other whilst in the same room? Apps are designed for engagement and many use intermittent reinforcement to keep us coming back for more. Why not restrict our internet use (and our use of technology) to specific times of the day? Also, why not set times when we are UNAVAILABLE (our devices are switched off or put away). Ultimately, the responsibility for our health and habits is our own.

Restrict Our Time on Social Media and the Internet

There is an app developer called, Dopamine. This is no coincidence. Dopamine is the brain chemical responsible for the temporary euphoria we get upon reward. It is also the common pathway for all addictions. Gambling organisations commonly transfer the responsibility for gambling addiction onto the individual and away from the cause. A 2022 report in The Lancet found '... no credible evidence for the effectiveness of “when the fun stops, stop” gambling messages.' When the fun stops, it is too late. When we notice the repeated draw to our 'phone, tablet or PC, it is time to take action, as addiction to social media (amongst others) produces significant harms, including increased risks of physical and mental health problems, separation, divorce, financial difficulties and bankruptcy, intimate partner violence and fraud.

Communicate Vocally and Visually

If we need to communicate something important, consider using a visual and aural method, such as, video or writing with an accompanying voice recording providing more thorough explanation. Despite their limitations (editing, poor transmission rates poor resolution, no image or even stopping the message) these allow nuance and feelings to be better expressed, providing the listener or viewer with less chance for misinterpretation.

Take Up Practical Hobbies and Physical Activities

Our technology is a powerful draw, especially when it is our main source of relaxation or entertainment. Physical activity and exercise have a strong correlation with psychological well-being and social welfare. Indeed, there are many apps that help with this. However, apps at the expense of physical activity leads to the usual anxiety and depression-related effects on us. Hobbies have also been shown to reduce stress, boost our energy and give us a feeling of fulfilment through being creative. Both physical exercise and hobbies can help us to express or manage our emotions in a positive and productive way.

Take Responsibility and Be Accountable

We have already mentioned that, ultimately, we are responsible for our own actions, activities and addictions. Maintaining a path away from extreme technology use, addiction and towards better health, is very difficult. It is always good to be accountable to trusted friends or colleagues in order to stay on the right path. It can feel threatening but, for some of us, only when we open up to others does the impact and achievement of what we are doing strike home. If we are struggling, the support also allows us to get back on track and know that what we are doing is worthwhile.

Remember - Social Media is NOT us and Vice-Versa

Avoid getting hooked in to word wars and avoid getting stressed over differences of opinion. People will agree with us and people will disagree with us. Neither response defines who we are. It is better to leave something unsaid and withdraw from a discussion than post something we regret later. We don't need to 'win' (a strong narcissistic trait in itself). We need to be content. Let others lose sleep if they want, but not us. Remember, posts can be deleted but they cannot be removed.

So, we come back to our original question ...

Is Social Media Good or Bad? 

It is both good in the right hands and bad in the wrong. The deciding factor is how it impacts us and, to some extent, how we allow it to impact us.

There is no doubt that many good and great results have been achieved through its use.

There is also no doubt that, in the hands of destructive people, it can be devastating. Narcissists, by nature, are drawn to the internet and especially, social media because they are encouraged to express their inner fantasy. They express their entitlement, gain adoration and the envy of others, feel important, be important, let others know what they think, etc. Online is a narcissist's dream because they can hide behind the anonymity of their (often fake) profile and their keyboard. It is a wonderful arena for stirring-up trouble and getting attention. Therefore, the probability of interacting with narcissists is high, so the chance of being affected or triggered by narcissists is also high.

Does Social Media Cause Narcissism?

The generally accepted answer is NO. One summary article argues that most of our character traits and personality are developed by the age of seven, so it unlikely that children in their early years are significantly affected by online posts. Narcissistic attitudes in younger children are more likely to have arisen through their 'social networks at home'. Also, the practice of lavishly praising children for everything they do is counterproductive to their social skills: it makes them feel entitled to receive praise for everything they attempt. If they do not, it becomes a big problem. We can instil a healthy sense of self-esteem in our children by praising them for significant achievements. The article states that, 'only by being less self-obsessed and placing more value on personal relating can we impart these values to the next generation'. In other words, it is our responsibility to spend time and effort helping to create a less narcissistic, more communal cultural mindset, now and for the future.

Does Social Media Fuel Narcissism?

This is a resounding YES. It is also likely to foster strong feelings of discontent and failure through our continual comparison with others (seeking to gain our approval and self-esteem from external sources). Reversing the trend requires a shift back towards focusing our attention upon community, affiliation and self-acceptance. If we want to return to a more balanced lifestyle and better mental health, we should return to the human basics of good communication, building relationships and engendering trust.

Where Does the Responsibility Rest?

Knowing the pitfalls and avoiding them is important. Checking ourselves and making adjustments is imperative.

• If I hate people in life, that hatred will be expressed in all my communications, in one form or another. 
• If I love people in life, that love will be expressed in all of my communications, in one form or another. 

Rather than fire-fighting and apportioning blame to a neutral medium that can be used, by its users to achieve great good and great harm, we should tackle the problem at the root, that is, how we perceive our personal value. Rather than relying on our house, family, car, holidays, watches or 'phones to determine our sense of worth and completeness, our focus should shift towards values that create a difference within us and through us, like: 

• Your value is independent of superficial factors, such as, height, weight, appearance, sex.
• Making mistakes is common to EVERYONE and a source of learning.
• You don’t need to put work first, or be strong in every situation.
• Being vulnerable is healthy and a way to grow. 

Narcissistic traits, like a need to dominate, bully, snipe, bitch and control, are disempowering, destructive and deadly. As these are challenged, reduced, replaced and eradicated, social media will become safer for us all. 

Social media is what we make it, but if we want to swing it towards good, we need to start at the foundations and increase our input for good.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts