Is All Narcissism Toxic?

Narcissist and narcissism have become euphemisms for anyone and everyone who is selfish, domineering, greedy or unfriendly. This is too general. It is also inaccurate!

This article unravels the here-say and misunderstanding to help you understand the specific meaning of both terms.

Normal Development from Baby to Adult

Babies use crying to signal a need, displeasure or distress. It is their only way to communicate. As the baby grows, they begin to develop language and behaviour to get what they need. As children, they learn how to use certain language and behaviours to can get what they want (think about 'the terrible twos'). Nearly all children go through phases in their development where they are particularly self-focused, needy and demanding. However, as they develop through later childhood, into adolescence and eventually into adults they usually learn how to use empathy, an ability to understand how others feel and take those feelings into account. This often leads to compromise on both sides to achieve something that both want, even though it may not be everything they first intended. We call this process negotiation.

In order to develop empathy, we must encounter situations that do not go our way and that challenge us to find another solution. Learning is all about facing something we don't know, expect or like and finding a way around it, or through it. So, as we grow up, we understand the importance of others and how they affect our choices and decisions and vice-versa.

Compromise and an understanding that we cannot always have what we want, are essential parts of healthy relationships and a fulfilling existence.

What is Narcissism?

Narcissism is the outworking of narcissistic traits.

Narcissistic Traits are the attitudes and behaviours aimed at getting us, what we want.

Narcissist is the person who uses the narcissistic traits.

The IMPORTANT point here is, when the terms narcissism, narcissist or narcissistic are used by professionals, there is an underlying assumption that the effects are dysfunctional: they negatively impact people with whom the narcissist interacts, the environment in which the narcissist exists, the culture influenced by the narcissist and, ultimately, narcissists themselves. Application of the traits and behaviours, by a narcissist, are also consistently repeated, not just occasional.

TWO key words are DYSFUNCTIONAL and CONSISTENTLY.

Many of us lapse into wanting our own way or reacting badly towards others, especially if we are under stress like having a bad, bereavement or something has upset us. But our behaviour is a one-off, intermittent or only happens for a short period of time.

Narcissists use such behaviour repeatedly AND consistently. Nobody can escape it for long, even though narcissists try to cover it up with fake love and attention.

Their make-up through personal development does not allow them to have empathy. The impact of their actions is amplified because they do not care about that impact on anyone else but themselves. They are callous and cold. Once scorned, they never forget and have such poor emotional control that even perceived slights can trigger them into rage that, seemingly, erupts from nowhere.

A narcissist's insecurity does not allow them to compromise, concede or even negotiate. These all show 'weakness' which is unacceptable to narcissists. Their world must happen as they expect it to and for this to happen, everything must be manipulated to suit their narrative for an event. They are pathological liars whose truth is whatever they need at that moment to prop-up their story.

How Does Narcissism Develop?

It is important to understand how components of our natural development (growing up) can become so distorted and a problem.

Who we are is a combination of our genetics, our behaviours and our beliefs. We can do little about our genetics BUT we DO have a choice about our behaviours and beliefs, even though they are heavily influenced by our upbringing and the significant people in our lives.

Some children grow up where parents are like lawnmowers; they go before their children, removing all obstacles, ensuring that their child never has to deal with 'no.' We usually call these children pampered or spoilt. Although their parents may have good intentions or may be compensating for their own upbringing, they unwittingly create expectations in the children that everything will be done for them and they get what they want, when they want it. We call this entitlement.

Some children grow up being praised for doing anything and nothing. Praise is a great way develop a child's self-esteem (ego) but, when praise becomes an expectation and self-esteem becomes too high, expectations become unrealistic, even dangerous. How many people do we meet that expect a reward or accolade just for 'turning-up'? How many children (and parents) expect great grades and prizes even when their work is ordinary or sub-standard through lack of effort? How many students expect top marks just for showing up at lectures? Sadly, these are all too common. This type of parenting actually disempowers the children by taking away the child's decision-making skills: all decisions are made for them. As the children grow-up, they are unable to sort things for themselves and if/when they are faced with a problem, or with disappointment, they have no emotional resilience to handle it, so they lash-out at others, retreat into a shell or hurt themselves.

Some children grow up in abusive homes, only learning that they are a nuisance, a hindrance, unimportant, a servant to a parent or other adult. They do not learn about unconditional love because everything comes with a price: it must be earned. Many learn that if they do not fulfil the expectations of parents, they are defective, disobedient, not good enough, a failure. These 'shame based' beliefs force children into practices and behaviours designed to ensure their own protection, whilst getting what they need. Empathy is replaced with survival at any cost. Understanding their own value goes no further than 'not good enough.' As they grow, they see the world as hostile, threatening, something that must be held at arm's length. As adolescents and adults, these beliefs become ingrained and the dysfunctional responses, automatic. Life is about self-preservation. Sadly, part of that self-preservation is a powerful need to control other people and situations so that they are not blindsided or reminded of how they feel about themselves. They focus solely upon their own needs. What starts out as a defensive strategy develops into a way of living. People are an inconvenience, a threat, a potential block to getting what they want, a tool to be used to make sure that the defective individual feels good about themselves. Relationships are simply transactions, ways of receiving what the defective individual wants, regardless of the cost to others (and often to themselves).

So, disempowered children feel a need either to prove themselves or to be seen by others. Their inner 'emptiness' means that they are incredibly insecure about their own worth so, must have that worth acknowledged by others. The main problem is that their self-esteem is highly unstable and continually changes, often by the minute, based upon what they hear (or perceive) others say (or think) about them, or what they receive as gifts or rewards.

Privilege and Narcissism

One group who risk growing-up with a defective sense of self and lack of empathy are those born-into privilege. They do not have to worry about anything because it is always provided (paid for), creating the illusion that they do not need others to survive. If this is compounded by a lack of closeness with their parents, they can easily come to believe that, even though they have material goods, they are worthless as individuals. It is easy for these people to then use their privilege and wealth to get what they want, as they attempt to fill the void within.

Those who come into great wealth through their adult life also become insulated from their old life: their money leads them to forget reality. Although many do keep contact with their old friends, a subset develops new friendships with people of similar status. It is also recognised that those who become 'famous' or 'rich' feel isolated from their old friends because they have less in common and, in many cases, their friends feel entitled to some of the person's new-found success or are jealous of it. Mohammed Ali, the famous boxer, once said that he gained acquaintances, rather than friends, when he became famous, people who were there for the glory but absent when help was needed.

However, it is interesting how many privileged children, when exposed to the realities of life, such as, deciding whether to buy food or pay a fuel bill, become really compassionate and determined to make a difference. They understand that possessions and material wealth are not a secret to feeling happy or fulfilled. An extensive body of research literature supports the notion that real happiness comes when we apply our resources, talents and abilities towards others.

Why is Narcissism Toxic or Pathological?

Toxic means poisonous, very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.

Pathological means the study of disease or injury, or, extreme in a way that is not normal or that shows an illness or mental problem.

Narcissists use childish traits to get their own way, regardless of the impact on other people. Since humans are social, they rely upon interaction with others. Healthy interactions are based upon good communication, strong relationships and deep trust. Narcissists have none of these so, just like waves from a pebble dropped on still water, ripple outwards to the edge of the pond, so the waves of dysfunction ripple outwards from the narcissist, through those around them. Their toxicity is not confined to themselves, it impacts others and, therefore, the environment in which the narcissist is, the culture of that environment or the community in which they operate. When enough people see their behaviour as normal, whole cultures are affected.

In short, narcissism undermines and eventually kills everything positive about a culture, including whatever that culture (work, home/family or community) seeks to do or achieve.

A Word of Caution

It is easy to assume from what we see, read and hear, that situations like privilege, abuse and being spoilt are a 'sure-fire' way to create narcissists.

It is important here to differentiate between predict and guarantee.

Whilst each of these situations is, indeed, something that increases the chance of a person growing into a narcissist (predict), they do NOT guarantee it. Many children from underprivileged, abusive, privileged or spoilt backgrounds develop into emotionally balanced, empathetic adults who care for others, are great team players, put themselves out for others without expecting anything back and enhance wherever they are. They learn from their background and apply it in a positive way. Their roots may predict their outcome but they do NOT guarantee it.

Narcissism is toxic and it is pathological BUT it is NOT an illness. It is a dysfunction that arises because children are either ill-equipped or do not want to change as they grow. They are people who decide to build a castle and defend it, rather than building a bridge to allow two-way traffic.

Narcissism is a choice.

Conclusions

Humans were never designed to be isolated individuals: they need others to function healthily. Narcissism focuses on ONE person, ME, at the expense of all else. It promotes isolation, division, chaos and confusion, stifling positive outcomes in its claws of dysfunction. Although we pass through phases of narcissism as we develop through childhood, most of us learn how to temper that with empathy, an understanding for how others feel. Narcissists fail to emotionally develop beyond childhood so, although we see adult exteriors there is a child trapped within that shell, just waiting for the opportunity to have a tantrum.

When we strip away that empathy, one is left with unbridled selfishness and individuality that can only bring destruction to whoever and whatever surrounds the toxic individual.

Is all narcissism toxic?

You decide, but my jury unanimously supports 'yes'!

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts