Important Lessons I Have Learnt as a Parent

This may seem a strange subject to post on a site dedicated to all things narcissistic abuse. However, it is during childhood that we form our most important thoughts and perceptions about ourselves and how we relate to the world around us.

The root of narcissism lies in dysfunctional attitudes and understanding and it is our parents who have the strongest influence on us as children. Children of narcissists grow up socially awkward, because they know no better. Some even decide that their narcissist parent is the best role model to follow in order to achieve what they want whilst remaining protected and safe.

The following are lessons I have learnt as a parent. They are not in any particular order and they are not an immediate recipe for success. However, as none of us are really prepared for it before our first child, I hope they help to smooth your learning journey and experience.

If you’re NOT a parent, many of these are a good foundation for the relationships we develop.  

• There is no single, 'right' instruction manual for being a parent in your particular situation.
• Listen to and learn from others about their experience but don’t slavishly do the same as them; your situation is not the same.
• The concept of 'Quality Time' is a myth created by adults. Children want time, time, time with their parents. Don't restrict it through selfish ambition.
• Tell your children how much YOU love THEM; they can’t osmose this information and rarely assume it.
• Tell your children how valued they are as individuals and not just because they’re good at maths, sport or whatever.
• Set your children an example. Easier said than done but very powerful; most children want to be ‘like you.’
• Realise children are a gift; you don’t deserve them and they didn’t ask to be here.
• Accept that you make mistakes and apologise to your children when they are victims of your ignorance or stupidity.
• Set yourself reasonable targets that can be achieved.
• Never underestimate the power and value of friends to whom you can talk and with whom you can share concerns, experiences, etc.
• You will make mistakes.
• Avoid undermining the confidence of your children: be careful with what you say and HOW you say it. Words can be killers.
• Demonstrate physical affection: hugs and kisses work wonders in children of all ages (and I include adults here too).
• If your child has taken the time to make something, or do something for you, or to tell you about their achievement, listen, respect and praise them. Too many of us grow up missing the value and liberation of praising others. They also feel valued.
• Remember, when the shit hits the fan, there is a way through; it’s just not always immediately visible or evident
• Always show gratitude when receiving presents from your children, no matter how small they are.
• The amount of love and attention you show your children is far more valuable than the price tag on a gift you buy them
• Always make it easy for them to come to you, even when the going is tough. One day, you will not be their first choice.
• Sometimes saying nothing is far more valuable than giving our opinion.
• Children are for life, not just whilst they’re babies or toddlers. As a parent we have a massive influence on the adults they grow into, even if we go through the fires and hard times to get there.
• You don’t know everything.
• Love is spelt T-I-M-E.
• Be yourself and be comfortable with that. We cannot be anyone else, no matter how much we may wish. But as such, we are ideally equipped for our own situation.
• Learn the art of being a good listener: We have two ears and 1 mouth; use them in that proportion.
• We can learn as much from our children as they can learn from us.
• 'Sorry' is a glue that bonds us and our children.
• Take time to make your children feel valued: as they get older, take them out for a meal or a walk or a ride.
• Take an interest in your child’s activities: you may not be able to do the same or fully understand it, but you can add to their sense of achievement.
• Our children do make mistakes, even if that comes as a surprise. Many of them are simply repeats of our own.
• You will always be their mum or dad but value that, don’t abuse it. As our children grow older, they also start making their own decisions and it can be so much harder to help if you have no close relationship with them.
• Be encouraged; we all carry L-Plates for our time as a parent and I believe, as friends!

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts