Icks: Evidence of Narcissism?

What is an Ick

"One thing that really gets under my skin is the current upsurge and popularity of icks!"

So declared a millennial friend of mine.

Until this conversation, I had absolutely no idea what icks are. I had never heard of them or about them.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines an ick as:

an exclamation which expresses a feeling of shock or dislike that makes you feel sick.

the ick is:

a sudden feeling of dislike for someone or something, or are no longer attracted to someone because of something they do.

Why Icks Occur

When an ick occurs, it is important to think about what it is, why it has affected us so badly and what action we need to take.

• An ick may be a warning sign, a response to abusive behaviour (verbal, physical or emotional). These icks are significant as NO type of abuse is acceptable. Our ick may be a signal to finish the relationship, there and then.
• The ick may simply something that is not to our taste or values. This is much more subjective and is strongly affected by our upbringing, life expectations and what we expect from others.
• Other icks are nothing more than prejudice, reasons to pull someone else down, comments made from people who are entitled or consider themselves to be superior.

Here are some examples of icks:

• Have an iPad.
• Get a buzz cut.
• Hold my hand in public.
• Run for the bus.
• No socks and short jeans.
• Eat Wensleydale cheese.
• Metal-framed glasses

Many seem to be (and are) trivial, reflecting rudeness, lack of consideration or that reflect inappropriate behaviour. BUT there are also icks that arise from abusive situations, grounded in very real experiences and fears. I personally would NOT call these icks because they are more deep-seated, sinister and indicate the effects of trauma.

Icks Say a Lot About The Person Who Posts Them

Social media (where many icks are communicated) is a neutral medium within which opinions are expressed.

Icks are a person's response to what others say or do and often say more about those using them than those at whom they are targeted.

Therefore, what is expressed depends upon the person who says it so, what is seen on social media reflects the people who are contributing by sharing their comments and opinions and the setting (forum) in which they are shared.

Psychologists believe that icks are rooted in fear. They are a defence mechanism that arises when someone cannot trust other adults or does not believe that another person will stand by them when they need it. They run away if someone DOES start to show interest, support and to be trustworthy.

If we grew up without being 'seen, heard or held' or experienced these in past relationships, we have often convinced ourselves that we do not need such things. It is a protective mechanism. If someone is really sensitive, attentive, thoughtful, curious enough to ask us what we are feeling, our nervous system cannot cope: 'good' behaviours feel repulsive, unattractive and become icks.

Icks and Narcissistic Thinking

If we are part of a forum that is specifically for, or likely to attract narcissists, we will be reading and digesting narcissistic opinions and attitudes. If we are on a forum that is not attractive to narcissists, then the chance of encountering narcissistic comments is lower, but not zero: narcissists will contribute to any forum, even if it is one about narcissism, because they love to show how much they know. They also love to deceive others, so will make comments contrary to popular opinion, just to 'stir-up debate' i.e., cause arguments. They love to masquerade as someone they are not because it plays to their false life (mask) and magical thinking.

Icks are inherently negative! They express disgust. They are also superficial. They are our opinion. Therefore, forums or media upon which they are expressed will attract those with a negative outlook on life/towards others. It is ideal territory for narcissists, especially the covert and malignant types.

We know that social media attracts narcissists because it plays to their way of thinking:

• They can comment anonymously.
• They can remain hidden.
• They can 'be' a different person.
• They can show their superiority.
• They can attack others in order to make themselves seem better.
• They can use icks to score points, get attention, cause pain, hurt and trouble or simply be nasty.

Wherever narcissists gather, icks will be in abundant supply.

Icks and the Amplification of Narcissistic Behaviour

Many icks are a natural part of human interaction; part of the 'nitty-gritty' where relationships are honed and resilience developed. If we are serious about a relationship, icks can be counteracted through time and effort to prevent them from driving in a wedge where it is not needed.

Icks tick almost every box on the checklist for narcissism. So, it is no shock that individuals who repeatedly demonstrate strong narcissistic traits highlight the faults and failings in others, as the accuser tries to 'look better' by pulling other people down. Icks can be used to get attention, demonstrate superiority, or to take control. They are undermining and destructive in their intention. To use a well-known saying, 'The things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heart.' In other words, we express who we are through our words and actions. Whilst narcissists continually try to hide their 'real self' behind a mask of respectability and civility, situations that encourage them to be themselves may reveal cracks in their armour. Interestingly and ironically, icks align themselves with narcissistic thinking, so narcissists may unwittingly 'out' themselves in unguarded moments.

Is There an Answer?

Yes!

Many researchers observe that when people are asked about their likes, the first thing they often list is their dislikes. It seems that we are predisposed to negative thinking. It is not surprising that we see faults and failings in others and, it is sometimes right that we call out toxic or damaging words, traits and behaviours in others to counteract this.

Experiencing the ick is a sign that we need to dig deeper with our partner and, probably, ourselves. Consulting a psychotherapist or specialist counsellor will help us to identify and heal from destructive 'avoidant attachment' relationships, where low self-worth leads to a fear of abandonment and rejection. As a defence, we use Icks that demean, belittle or criticise the 'parts' of others over which we have no control and/or are different to us.

Icks also arise from the subconscious position that we are right. We look for others to change their behaviours to match what WE think is appropriate. This is the tip of a narcissistic iceberg, indication of a belief that we are right, others are wrong and must change until they conform to our way of thinking.

Helping Ourselves

If we identify that we have an avoidant attachment style, we must address the underlying cause so that we can find joy in healthy relationships. Without intervention, we are likely to continue the cycle. Therapy/counselling requires commitment, support and determination to go through because the reactions to attachment are deep-seated and often powerful. Perseverance will bring rewards for our future as the therapist helps us to understand our behaviour and why we act that way.

We can also change our mindset and behaviour by understanding and acknowledging that we are human. We make mistakes and we do not always agree with others BUT that does NOT make the other person 'a hater'. It simply means they hold a different opinion to our own. Studies have also found that practicing gratitude and focusing on the things we love about our partner is a powerful way to nurture the relationship and an active way to counter icks and our tendency to use them. It is a good discipline not to use icks. Instead, we keep the thoughts to ourselves and use them to find reasons to see good in others, rather than bringing them down.

Helping Our Intimate Relationships

Our relationship is not necessarily doomed if we 'we get the ick'.

Icks can be hard to shake, but the feeling can be strongly counteracted by being radically transparent with our partner and with ourself. If certain of our partner’s behaviours or traits give us the ick, it is worth communicating it to them to see whether they are willing to work on or change. Where a relationship is growing apart, it is important to focus on clear communication with our partner about the trajectory of the relationship.

Once again, practicing gratitude and focusing on the things we love about our partner is a good way to cultivate and nurture our relationship.

When we identify 'less serious concerns', so-called yellow flags, such as, our partner:

• wants to spend all their time with us, from the beginning,
• has no hobbies or interests,
• has no other friends,
• is unwilling to compromise,
• carries a lot of debt,
• does not respect your boundaries,
• has a history of failed relationships,
• constantly hides information,
• is not close, or are too close, to their parents or family members

we should slow down, communicate and move forwards with caution.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER that each of these yellow flags is also a potential indicator for narcissistic behaviour, so some professionals class these as Red Flags, indicators of potential trouble ahead, including manipulation, abuse and violence.

If our gut instinct is to walk away when we see such warning signs, we should NOT ignore it and if close friends or family members share concerns or confusion about our relationship, we should look deeper and trust that ick feeling.

What About Anti-Icks?

Business psychologists advocate that the most productive environments are those where people feel united, supported and step up to help colleagues who are struggling. Could we create our own anti-ick actions, talking about the things we love in others, the things that make them special, the things that we love BECAUSE they are different to us, the things that make them matter and give them significance?

We know that narcissism amplifies any behaviour that promotes self at the expense of others. Icks tick almost every box on the checklist for narcissism so, why promote something we know to be destructive when we can create environments where people grow and thrive, together?

Perhaps we need to ask a more basic question than, 'Are icks evidence of narcissism?' Perhaps we should ask, 'Are icks helpful or necessary?'

I believe THEY ARE RARELY NECESSARY, OR HELPFUL! Rather, they are counterproductive, divisive and, to be frank, toxic.

Closing Comments on Personal Health and Safety

You may be worried that the icky feelings you experience signal a deeper issue. If so, it is important to seek professional advice (and help, where necessary). If you we cannot allow ourself to feel a little bit uncomfortable, or be loved and well taken care of by another person and/or actively avoid partnerships or intimate relationships, therapy can help. It is a way to talk about and work through what we are experiencing.

Sometimes, pushing past our icks allows us to find someone truly lovely whilst enabling a lot of personal growth.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts