How to Take Revenge on Your Narcissistic Abuser

If we search for posts about how to take revenge on our narcissistic abuser and how make to them suffer for their behaviour, we will be swamped by the variety and sheer number of 'hits' we receive (at the time of writing, ca. 5 million).

When a narcissist has systematically destroyed their victim without guilt or concern, when a victim has been brought to their knees by crippling physical and psychological abuse, broken to a point where they struggle to regain even an inkling of who they are, revenge may be considered a natural response.

It may be 'natural' but it is NOT the healthiest way for victims to think or act.

Why Revenge is a Bad Idea

We escape from the narcissist so that we can free ourselves of their toxic influence and give ourselves the space we need to understand what they have done to us. We can then begin to start our healing journey.

We may want to know the gruesome details of their slow painful, demise (which WILL surely come) but any activity that diverts our attention away from our long-term goal of healing and taking back control of our own life, will simply hinder, even prevent, our progress. Our healing requires commitment, determination and, above all, a change of mindset which we cannot achieve by focusing elsewhere, especially on the narcissist. They have already taken away almost everything we had and were: we must NOT allow them to continue their abuse, especially by giving them space in our head so that we can punish ourselves, ad infinitum.

Recovery and healing are like taking a motorway journey to reach a distant destination. If we allow the narcissist to keep control through our own thinking or their continued attempts at abuse, it is like turning off at every exit to explore what is there. We will arrive, but how much later than planned? We may add some interest and intrigue to our journey but isn’t driving on the motorway hazardous enough without taking these extra risks? Deviating from our planned path is a good way to become lost.

Thinking of revenge as a way of 'getting back' at the narcissist keeps our focus firmly on them and their reactions. This is exactly what they WANT; to be the centre of attention and our universe. All that happens when we seek revenge is we become more embroiled in how to exact it, distracted from our path AND we have the life slowly sucked-out of us. We remain bitter, a victim and trapped by our own thoughts!

The Answer: A Constructive Alternative

It is time to focus upon OURSELVES and the things that we CAN control, namely, our well-being and recovery.

This will feel unnatural, uncomfortable, even selfish. We will be afraid of what might happen and doubt our ability to 'see it through' to a conclusion. We may not always be able to take control of the factors that make our life uncomfortable but we CAN choose to seize what is within our control and maximise its chance of success.

Distinguishing between what we CAN change and what we CANNOT is an important part of regaining our sense of self.

We CAN change or control.

• Communication with the narcissist and their friends.
• Our response or reactions to the narcissist, especially if we see them when we are out and about.
• Our recovery and how we can achieve it.
• Our longer-term healing and how we will achieve it.
• Our connections and friendships.
• Our activities, hobbies and interests.

We CAN achieve this by the following.

• Ignore the narcissist completely. Do not contact, reply or research on their ‘life after us’. We call this going No Contact and it really is THE best way.
• Focus on our own recovery. We are the only one who can (and must) find our way to a life where we know our worth, are able to use our abilities, gifts and talents, whilst discovering new ones along our way.
• Focus on our own healing. I separate this from recovery because many victims find a way 'to exist' but not a way to heal. There is a significant difference between the two. Healing takes us beyond existing and coping. It requires time AND hard work, including professional help to break the trauma bonds that have been created during our dysfunctional relationship, to really bring freedom. This is the hardest step for many victims of abuse, even harder than taking the decision to leave.
• Rebuild our connections and friends. This is sometimes slow and hard because the narcissist will have tried to ensure that our former friends have been turned against us. Some may return. Others will not. We should not chase any who won’t because we cannot make them. Their opinions may change with time, especially if they discover how they have been used, but they may not. We must build friendships that work for us. We must take care and remember that if we have attracted a narcissist once, there is a higher-than-average chance that it will happen again. Our recovery and healing should address this and equip us with the tools and techniques to help prevent it from happening again.
• Learn to enjoy life and activities again. This is important because enjoyment is a significant ‘life ingredient’ that we lose during our abusive relationship. We have learnt to cope, handle and avoid, rather than experiment, step-out and enjoy.
• Be prepared to seek help. Being independent is a great feeling but we cannot achieve everything and survive by ourselves. There will be times when we need help from others, like reporting harassment and stalking to the police, talking to help (agencies and professionals) about problems that we have not come across before, such as, coping with grief and learning how to say, 'No'.

It is worth reminding ourselves, repeatedly, that during our relationship with the narcissist,

• They did not improve, but probably became worse in their abuse.
• We could not influence how they behaved.
• They are unlikely to change now (they have even less reason to listen to us).
• They have no empathy so will only change their mind about something that benefits them.
• They are a law unto themselves.

What Healthy 'Revenge' Looks Like

We must

• CUT ALL CONTACT with the narcissist. Raising children brings its own challenges (narcissists do not co-parent) but even this can be managed for our peace of mind by using third parties for drop-off and collection.
• NOT GIVE THE NARCISSIST OUR ADDRESS OR CONTACT DETAILS. Although it is a pain, many survivors create new online accounts, email addresses and install a firewall, anti-spyware and/or anti-virus software to prevent hacking.
• FOCUS UPON REBUILDING OURSELF AND OUR LIFE with healthy friendships and a sense of purpose.
• SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES that help to protect us against future abuse by others.
• CREATE A NEW LIFE that allows us to give AND to receive from others.
• WORK WITH PROPERLY TRAINED PROFESSIONALS to deal with trauma, self-esteem and untangling the confusion.

A NARCISSIST HATES seeing their former source of adulation, praise, validation and sense of meaning ('supply'), creating a new life, enjoying it and succeeding without them. It causes them stress and distress but that is THEIR problem, not ours.

REMEMBER: Narcissists engineer their own demise, often destroying themselves in spectacular style.

We are free and our focus must be to stay free of abuse. The narcissist will engineer their own destruction. THAT IS OUR REVENGE.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts