Covert Narcissists: A Summary of Their Traits, Behaviours and Values

As you may be aware, narcissists come in different shapes and sizes, with different traits and different labels depending upon the particular traits and behaviours they display.

• If they are clinically diagnosed they are described as suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Diagnosis is rare with levels being quoted at around 0.5 to 1 % of the general population. However, this is a big underestimate since narcissists see themselves as perfect: end of story.
• Those displaying strong extrovert characteristics which are quickly seen (and heard) in public may be called Grandiose, Overt or Extrovert Narcissists. This type is predominant in men over women in a ratio of 3 to 1. Grandiose narcissists may not care about the opinions of other people.
• Those who are quiet, withdrawn, shy of the public spotlight, even reclusive are called Covert, Closet or Sensitive Narcissists. They are very easily hurt or slighted by what people say and think. They have an infinite memory for ‘wrongs done against them.’ There is an equal distribution of this type between males and females.
• Then there are the Communal Narcissists who love to be seen doing good works and being generous. They love positions of high office and reputation in the community, rarely missing an opportunity for others to know about it. However, they are often remarkably cruel to their spouse and children. Once again, there is an equal distribution of this type between males and females.
• Finally, there is a group of narcissists who add sadism and/or antisocial behaviour to their narcissistic behaviour. They enjoy watching others suffer. These may be called Toxic, Malignant or Sadistic Narcissists (although ALL narcissists are toxic). These are evenly distributed between males and females.

In this post we will summarise the specific behaviours and effects of ...

Covert/Closet/Sensitive Narcissists

Below is a summary of the traits, behaviours and effects of covert narcissists.

• Trying to reason or negotiate with a covert narcissist is pointless and produces no benefits for us. They only pursue what they want, when they want and how they want. Negotiation usually leaves the victim worse off than before.
• Relationship with a covert narcissist, especially if it has been long-term and intimate, such as marriage, robs victims of confidence, self-esteem and knowing who they are. They are a shell of their former self and may even have been manipulated into Learned Helplessness where, through repeated reinforcement by the narcissist, victims believe they can do nothing about their situation so there is no point trying. 
• All narcissists are highly manipulative, using lies, deceit, distortion of the truth, diversion, isolation and former mutual friends (often called Flying Monkeys after the characters in the Wizard of Oz who do the bidding of the Wicked Witch) to do their dirty work and achieve their aims. The covert type take these to the next level.
• Beneath the confident, calm, unruffled exterior of the covert narcissist lies a self-loathing coward who has chosen their path in life and stops at NOTHING to get what they need: Supply (attention, adoration, acclaim, a sense of being noticed and significance)! Such input from others bolsters-up their fragile ego.
• Covert narcissists are especially successful at hiding their true nature and their behaviours towards their victim(s) from everyone outside the relationship. To their victims, narcissists are Hell on earth. To everyone else, they are paragons of virtue, victims of deranged partners, people who try their best but are continually misunderstood.
• Narcissists, especially covert, NEVER accept responsibility for their actions unless they receive benefit or supply from doing so. They will blame mistakes and bad things on others or simply deny that anything ever happened. They avoid responsibility and accountability for anything bad or wrong, even when presented with evidence that shows otherwise.
• Covert narcissists are much more sly and secret in their actions, hence the name, but are incredibly sensitive to what others think and say about them. They often accuse others of being jealous when it is the narcissist who is jealous.
• Escaping from the relationship is costly, drawn-out, painful and energy-sapping, made worse by Trauma Bonding, an inability to let go because victims feel they need the narcissist. For this they NEED support and back-up from reliable, trustworthy friends AND from people who have been through similar experiences themselves. It is rarely something a victim can achieve alone.
• Although covert narcissists are much less obvious and more devious in their activities and emotional destruction, they have a ferocious rage when hurt or think they are being challenged or devalued by their victim. This MUST NEVER be underestimated: they are capable of violence causing injury, even death.
• In the UK especially, it is frequently difficult to access help and support from frontline workers (such as, police officers), partly through over-stretched resources. However, there is poor understanding of emotional abuse, even though it is a criminal offence under UK Law. Sadly, physical injury often needs to happen before they are taken seriously, at which point it may be too late!
• Covert narcissists use the unseen for their toxicity. They achieve Power Over and Control Over through action, lack of action, words, secrecy, subliminal provocation, destruction of confidence and destruction of self-identity. They may not always leave physical bruises or scars, but they leave emotional scars and debris that may never be healed during our lifetime.

This brief overview of covert narcissists will enable you to identify behaviours and attitudes that may indicate their presence in relationships and situations that affect you or your friends.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts