A Narcissist's Approach to Sex

Introduction

Sex sells. Sex can be beautiful. Sex can be used as a weapon. Sex can be used as part of our personal validation. Sex can be our identity.

I have read all of these statements at sometime. Most apply to narcissists.

The exception?

'Sex is beautiful.'

How Narcissists View Sex

A narcissist's self-obsession means that sex has a function or use, rather than being an expression.

To a narcissist, sex is a weapon, something with which they can barter, dominate, control, punish, coerce and manipulate another person. Sex also boosts their self-image, makes them feel important, wanted, needed, adored, a king or queen of the bedroom, car, in public: wherever they choose.

To a narcissist, sex is a means to an end, a vehicle to transport them to a destination where they will benefit and reap the rewards (in their own eyes, at least).

To a narcissist, sex is a something, not about someone (except themselves).

To a narcissist, sex is about relieving tension, not creating bonds.

To a narcissist, sex is a function not an expression of love.

To a narcissist, sex is about me, not about us.

How Narcissists View Their Own Sexual Prowess

A narcissist sees themselves as the ultimate lover.

But love does not come into it.

In a business environment, narcissists use sex to persuade others, gain favours, hold others to ransom, take power and control over others, ruin careers. A powerful boss, or a person in a senior position may gain sexual favours from their subordinates, who may agree out of fear of retribution, or agree because they feel it will enhance their prospects. A senior narcissist who is used to the adulation of those beneath them will feel entitled to use the pawns of their company for personal reward, gain and even pleasure.

Power blinds both the narcissist and the person with whom they have sex.

A narcissist in a more junior role may use sex to bypass perceived hurdles in their career progression or to curry favour.

The sex may be passionate, noisy, kinky and frequent, but make no mistake, it is all about the narcissist and their wants.

Period.

How Others View The Narcissist's Sexual Prowess

A narcissist's lack of empathy really comes into play in this most intimate act.

Their sexual partner is an object who is there to serve the master (narcissist) and give them what they want, need or demand.

It is revealing that those who do engage in sex with a narcissist respond with repeating themes and observations.

• They felt disconnected, even isolated from the sexual act.
• Once the narcissist had reached climax, sex was over.
• They felt used, more of an object than a person.
• They felt attacked and violated, rather than appreciated and loved.
• There was little or no foreplay.
• They felt like an observer, rather than a participant.
• Sex was short, or sex was long, repeated and painful for the non-narcissist.
• It was proscribed rather than spontaneous.
• Sex could be non-consensual.

There may be occasional exceptions, but narcissism is characterised by repeating behaviours across all areas of life. Therefore, many occasions will feel like a sex act for the sake of the narcissist rather than a mutual act of giving.

As one victim / target / survivor of narcissistic abuse described,

'I always knew when they wanted sex.

A couple of glasses of red wine and they started feeling my bum or my leg. No introduction or warm-up. A button had been pressed, aided by the alcohol. I must comply.

Sex itself always took place in the bedroom and was not about making love. It was them lying there, expecting me to do the work and then immediately leaving for the bathroom when we had finished.

I eventually stopped agreeing to sex, so they left the marital bed to sleep on their own. I have no doubt that pornography featured in their evening routines after that, judging by the sounds emanating from behind their closed bedroom door.'

Narcissists are also more likely to engage sexual acts 'outside of the norm', such as, bondage, domination, sadism, masochism and other 'kinks,' resulting in pain AND distress for the non-narcissistic partner. In these situations there is an increased risk of engaging in habits to suppress or blot out the pain, such as, alcohol, drugs and / or other addictive behaviours.

In the event of an unwanted pregnancy, the narcissist will flee, deny, threaten or demand termination.

When a powerful narcissist's reputation is at stake, they wield sufficient power and influence to create hell for the affected person or people. We only need to look at cases involving people like Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, Jimmy Saville and Bill Clinton to appreciate how difficult it is for these people to be called-out to face justice.

Conclusions

To the narcissist, sex is not an act of love; it is an act of validation, dominance, control and identity.

It is a means to an end, a way of getting something at the expense of another. Sex is a weapon, a tool, a lever, a threat, a need, an act of lust: 'power over' others rather than 'power with' them. It is not out of compassion, empathy or love.

Narcissists will highly rate their own sexual prowess but this assessment is rarely reflected by their sex partner.

The take-home message is that sex with a narcissist always carries a consequence. We must be careful to ensure that the consequence does not, ultimately, destroy us.

If we know that somebody has strong narcissistic or toxic tendencies then sex with them is a definite 'No!' Any other response is likely to create prolonged pain, distress and declining mental health for the recipient.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts