A Narcissist's Approach to Marriage

Introduction

At the heart of a marriage is the commitment of two individuals to love, support, help, uphold and understand each other. These require empathy, sharing, endurance, determination, patience, self-control, trust, loyalty, forsaking all others.

Marriage is a legal state: it is sealed by law and can only be dissolved by law.

But, the law does not monitor or hold responsible each partner in their day-to-day matters and activities. That responsibility rests firmly upon the individuals, hopefully with help and advice provided by a small network of friends and supporters.

In order for a marriage to work, both parties must be prepared to do the work AND to compromise.

Therein, lies the problem.

What We Know About Narcissism

Someone with a narcissistic personality is:

• special and superior, entitled to the best and being given priority,
• flaky and unreliable across different situations,
• unaware / not interested about how others feel,
• unaware / not bothered about how their behaviour impacts other people,
• totally selfish,
• likely to give in quickly if the end-result does not benefit them,
• uninterested when the end-result does not benefit them,
• lacking in patience and emotional control,
• highly suspicious of others, even paranoid,
• only loyal for as long as they benefit from the loyalty,
• lacking in boundaries, especially regarding relationships,
• in need of affirmation from others, especially through sex,
• never wrong or responsible for wrongdoing,
• the focus of the World's attention, acclaim and celebration.

When Normal and Narcissism Clash

If we look at the list of attributes required for a stable, successful marriage and the attributes of a narcissist, they are diametrically opposed! In other words, narcissists are a disaster when it comes to being a marriage partner because they focus solely upon themselves and their needs. Spouse, children, parents, siblings do not enter their thinking UNLESS the narcissist benefits in some way.

All healthy relationships require compromise, mutual benefits, sacrifice and awareness of other people. Narcissists cannot, or will not, do any of these things.

The eventual result is manipulation, conflict, coercion, control, dishonesty, blame, lack of communication, lack of trust, shallow relationships, unhappiness and, ultimately, relationship breakdown ... all whilst the outside world sees exactly the opposite - many are shocked and in disbelief when seemingly ideal or perfect marriages crumble.

How a Narcissist Views Their Marriage Partner

Narcissists view EVERYONE else as a means to an end, something with which they interact to create a transaction that benefits themselves.

Their marriage partner and children (if they arrive) are seen no differently!

Everything in a marriage must elevate a narcissist's status, importance, authority, image and reputation. Nothing else matters. Nobody else matters.

They see their spouse (and children) as a servant, slave, inferior, 'thing,' loyal supporter, access to adulation and reward, stepping stone, footstool ... although the narcissist would never use such words.

With such unbalanced emotional and physical demands, it is no surprise that marriage to a narcissist is draining, destructive, even suicide-inducing. Total lack of responsibility by the narcissist creates guilt, shame, grief and pain in their spouse.

Marriage is an entitlement, a list of expectations, rather than a partnership or loving relationship. Of course the narcissist will profess undying love, just as they will heap expensive gifts upon their partner when necessary to soften them up or control them. They know what to say and when to say it, but they feel nothing related to such words or actions.

Marriage to a narcissist is all about me.

Conclusions

Narcissistic marriages are doomed to failure.

In a setting where communication, relationship and trust are central to success through fulfilment, growing together and changing to adapt, narcissists represent the opposite of what is required for MUTAL benefit.

The resulting rigid and intense self-focus in the narcissistic partner guarantees blame, unhappiness, control, conflict, devaluation and breakdown of relationship. The non-narcissistic partner becomes the focus of abuse whilst trying to work out what happened and what they have done to create the problem.

To the narcissist, marriage is a binding contract that allows them all of the benefits without any of the responsibilities, a means of obtaining a servant and admirer who can supply their insatiable need for attention, adulation and praise. Their partner is an object, not a person and any relationship is built upon transactions; how the spouse can fulfil the narcissist's needs.

Sadly, many narcissists push for children because these then lock their spouse into a life-long battle, fighting to instill morals and values that many of us live by, only to have them undermined, counteracted and devalued by the narcissist. Children are a trophy for the narcissist's virility and status. They can display their ideal family, high moral values and apparent success, none of which the narcissist really believes.

What should be symbol of stability and harmony becomes a sham, a morass of turmoil shielded by a paper-thin mask of acceptability.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts