A Narcissist's Approach to Empathy

Introduction

Empathy is the ability to understand and take-into-account how others feel or react to our words and actions.

It is an important gauge or regulator for our conscience that helps us to distinguish between 'enough' and 'too far.'

Empathy and communication in a relationship are like oil to an engine: remove oil from an engine and it will quickly wear-out, overheat and seize. Similarly, when we remove empathy from relationships, we start a time-bomb, ticking down to friction, fragmentation and eventual disaster.

Narcissistic and Toxic Relationships

Narcissists lack empathy and, therefore, the ability to self-reflect. So, they lack key 'filters' for successful and meaningful relationships. They often come across as callous, cold or unfeeling. Toxic people and narcissists say and do things without consideration for others which may result in hurt, upset, injury or death.

When we add a narcissist's high level of entitlement and inability to regulate their emotions, we have a highly volatile situation: anger plus lack of caring. For example, road rage and dangerous driving are higher in narcissists than non-narcissists.

When reliance upon external things ('status, sex and stuff') for their sense of identity and value, is combined with lack of empathy, we see shallow relationships centred around 'material identity' rather than 'emotional fulfilment.' Narcissists may also be highly dismissive (especially the grandiose type), highly offended (especially the covert type) or highly vindictive and vengeful (especially the malignant type). None of these qualities are conducive to stable, happy, fulfilled relationships. Consequently, narcissists are prone to frequently changing their relationships. This may be because they become bored, the other person loses status, or because the other person becomes fed-up, frustrated, even exhausted.

With intimate, romantic, relationships, narcissists are skilled at hiding their lack of empathy: at least initially. They are highly attentive, lavishing exotic and expensive gifts on their love interest, who feels special, loved and respected. However, they often feel indebted too, so find it more difficult to walk away from the relationship -- which is exactly what the narcissist wants. The true lack of empathy is revealed when the narcissist has their victim ensnared. At this point and without warning, the victim is undermined, belittled and criticised, usually for the same things they were initially exalted and praised. Confusion now reigns and the narcissist's lack of empathy means that there is no limit to how far they will go to destroy their partner. IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE that very few outsiders see any evidence of this toxicity, Quite the opposite! Narcissists are great actors (and 'victims') who project or manipulate an image of the ideal, husband, father, colleague or friend. Nothing is too much when it comes to helping others. This makes it extremely difficult for the targeted partner to mention their abuse to friends, because they are either disbelieved or accused of 'having it wrong.' THIS is a deadly weapon in a narcissist's arsenal. Their lack of empathy means that they feel nothing for the injuries they inflict and have no problem lying (even in a legal situation) to keep the illusion in place.

The nearest a narcissist is likely to come to showing empathy is when/if they express guilt and remorse at their partner threatening to break-up the relationship. It is important to understand that such threats take away the narcissist's control, triggering panic and often, rage. There may be tears shed, words of contrition offered, but these are ONLY because the narcissist is afraid of losing something. They are NOT for the sake of the other person, or for the relationship per se. The narcissist has seen how others respond in the same situation, so begin their act. Make no mistake, there will also be lies, rumours and smear campaigns to discredit the partner and isolate them from the help they need. Any emotional reactions in the targeted partner will be met with unempathetic comments like, 'Why are you crying?' or 'I should be the one who is upset!' There is none so vexed as a narcissist scorned!

On the flip-side, narcissists EXPECT empathy from others.

They are an emotional void or, at best, a cauldron filled with swirling, immature emotions. They NEED and EXPECT validation by others, in order to make themselves feel good. The narcissist's entitlement and lack of empathy mean that their relationships quickly become one-sided: a one-way street where all traffic flows TO the narcissist. Narcissists find it impossible to have balanced, meaningful or mutually sincere relationships.

To the narcissist, a relationship, or a friendship, is simply a transaction: a way for them to secure their wants regardless of the cost or consequences to others. Therefore, narcissistic individuals disrupt and destroy ANY group or community into which they are invited / invite themselves. To the narcissist, team, group, community, business or family are all spelt 'I,' 'me' or 'mine.'

Conclusions

Narcissists, by definition, lack empathy.

This creates poor, dysfunctional interaction and communication that leads to shallow relationships and lack of trust ('social glue').

After the initial fireworks of love-bombing, intimate relationships degrade into hell-holes of condemnation, confusion and self-doubt for the non-narcissistic partner. This scenario is also out-worked in all of the narcissist's other relationships: at work, socially and in the community, where 'love-bombing' may be compliments, rewards, gifts or attention to 'woo' an unexpecting friend or colleague.

Narcissists expect empathy from others. In fact, they seek it in an attempt to fill their inner emotional void.

Successful, meaningful and effective human interaction require empathy. Therefore, narcissists do not make good members of your workplace, family or community.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts