A Narcissist's Approach to Driving

Introduction

Driving is, for many of us, a daily activity.

We may love it, hate it, feel confident, feel afraid or threatened when we venture out onto the road.

Smoothly flowing traffic that allows people to arrive at their destinations safely only works when certain rules are observed and obeyed. Even countries like India where, to an outsider, driving seems totally random and frankly, dangerous, there is order and sets of rules that apply.

As with most areas of the legal system, there is a basic, assumed foundation upon which these laws sit: human beings are decent and have empathy.

It will come as no surprise that when narcissists enter the picture, things go badly awry.

This article provides answers to the question, 'Why?' and also some tips for helping to make ours journeys safer, less stressful and more enjoyable.

The Narcissist's World

Narcissists are high conflict, low empathy individuals. Their beliefs and emotional make-up dictate that they do not easily fit into a world where courtesy, empathy and community (sense of 'togetherness') are important.

Emotionally, they are a child trapped within an adult body and they react in the same way. Narcissists are also highly insecure individuals with fragile self-esteem that need 'external validation' for their sense of value.

Where does the head-on collision occur between narcissists and harmony?

Let's dive deeper.

Narcissistic Beliefs, Attitudes and Deficiencies

• I must be the centre of attention at all times.
• I am special.
• I am superior.
• I come first.
• I deserve the best.
• I can have what I want, when I want it.
• I must appear important to others.
• I must appear successful.
• Other people are objects.
• Truth is what I say it is.
• You don't matter.
• You are here to serve me.
• Do not get in my way.
• I do not care about how I affect you.
• If I ask for help I am weak and a failure.
• There are only winners or losers.

Narcissistic Behaviours

• Totally selfish.
• Must dominate, impose their view and control.
• Poor control of emotions (prone to outbursts of rage).
• Arrogant, rude and interrupt.
• Impatient and petulant.
• Manipulative and hypocritical liars.
• Highly critical and blame others.
• Highly competitive - need to win, or be first.
• Need to prove they are right.
• Do not accept responsibility for anything perceived as negative.

Narcissistic Focus

• Whatever is most important now (proving themselves, disproving others).
• One thing at a time.
• Must be seen as successful and important, with an opulent and exclusive lifestyle.
• High quality, high class relationships and expensive, branded, material possessions.
• Top of the range and / or high marque cars (especially if not new).
• Large house or houses.
• Perfect family.
• Reputation as a great lover.
• 'Getting,' no matter what it costs themselves and others.
• 'Cheap,' 'skimpy' and reticent when giving to others.

These lists are not exhaustive but they do provide insight into why travelling with a narcissist does not create an ideal experience.

It is IMPORTANT to understand that, just because somebody occasionally displays these attitudes and behaviours, that does NOT make them a narcissist. HOWEVER, narcissists will CONSISTENTLY display these attitudes and behaviours.

Rules and Narcissists

Understanding more about how narcissists think, helps us to appreciate that they feel exempt from the rules the rest of us follow. To the narcissist, rules are there to be bent or broken. Thus, they cannot be expected to obey the laws of the road. Indeed, many have their own interpretation of any 'highway code' that applies.

HOWEVER, if a narcissist feels wronged by someone else, they will know every rule, down to its punctuation and will use their knowledge to frighten, intimidate, threaten, punish, make a point and demonstrate superior knowledge. They are unfazed about arguing with legal experts and the police.

Narcissists deny any wrongdoing, even when they have been seen by others. You may have seen videos of drivers who, trapped by police, drive into police cars, buildings, trees, even policemen. When eventually stopped and caught, the first words out of their mouth were something like, 'I didn't do anything' or 'I didn't do what you saw!'

This is a typical narcissistic response.

In their own, fantasy world, they are unable to break any rules because no rules apply to them. Narcissists will blatantly and compulsively lie when giving their account of how things happened. They also use irrelevant, counter-accusations and arguments that are long and rambling. They include 'pseudo logic' (a logical argument that deliberately omits an outcome so that a false conclusion is reached) and 'word salad' (a narcissist says things that are contradictory, or inaccurate, to divert and distract from the subject under discussion). 

Narcissists also feel entitled to use illegal number plates (size, colour, spacing, materials or use of ambiguous marks to create personal registrations) and fit their cars with heavily tinted, or protectively tinted, windscreens and side windows to avoid identification.

How Narcissists View Other Road Users

As we have seen, narcissists are totally 'me-centric.'

Therefore, when it comes to other road users, the narcissist sees them as:

• An inconvenience, nuisance or obstruction,
• Having no rights, especially when it comes to priority on the roads.
• Something that must recognise and acknowledge the narcissist's status and superiority.
• Something that must always give-way, even when it is the narcissist's responsibility.
• Objects that do not really deserve to be on the road.
• Inferior.

This introductory section has set the scene for how narcissists approach being on the road and driving.

We now consider how different situations in which a narcissist may find themself, when travelling on the road, affect their actions and reactions.

Who is Driving?

It is helpful to remember that, whenever a narcissist is on the road, they are 'driving,' either directly, or 'through' somebody else. Even so, they react differently depending upon who is 'in charge' (driving) the vehicle.

The Narcissist

Let's consider the traits mentioned in The Narcissist's World (above) and think about how a narcissist is likely to drive.

They totally focus is on their own needs and reaching their destination. They rarely consider how they get there or what happens on the way, although they may check for road blocks and queues that will impede their journey. Most want to reach their destination as quickly as possible. Therefore, they are more likely to:

• Drive at higher speeds, choosing to stay in the 'fast lane' even if the road is clear.
• Make late decisions with last-minute manoeuvres (changing lanes, hard braking, undertaking) that force other road users into dangerous positions and / or to take evasive measures.
• Drive 'nose-to-tail' with the vehicle in-front, flashing headlamps to be let past, even when the 'offending' vehicle is blocked-in with nowhere to move.
• Take risks assuming that others will give way or create space to allow them into their lane.
• Expect other road-users to read their mind and anticipate their next move.
• Drive recklessly, not caring about the effect on others: what they think or how they will react.

When it comes to hold-ups due to heavy traffic, accidents or roadworks, narcissists commonly:

• Take no account of traffic conditions, continuing to drive at high speed and make last-second changes.
• Ignore queues of traffic, driving to the front and expecting to be let in by those who have queued.
• Strive to be 'one car in-front' or THE front / first vehicle.
• Expend a lot of energy and concentration teaching anyone who dares to hold them up, a lesson, which can include rage, 'brake-checking' (especially in front of lorries) with damage to vehicles (driving with a 'surrender or die' mentality).
• Leave their vehicle in slow-moving or stationary traffic to berate, even attack another driver, leading to physical injury in both parties.
• Prevent another driver from overtaking or, overtake another driver, cut in-front and slow down to deliberately hold them up. Attempts to overtake by the other driver, will be met by the narcissist accelerating or cutting off their lane. In the heat of battle, a narcissist will force another driver into oncoming traffic.

In bad weather, or where there have been warnings of obstructions or lane-closures ahead, a narcissist adopts an 'I'm invincible' or 'It won't happen to me' mindset. They:

• Take no account of road conditions, continuing to drive at high speed and recklessly in fog, ice, heavy rain, high winds and snow,
• Will drive into floods at high speed and without regard for other road-users, pedestrians and warning signs. When their engine fails through water damage the narcissist becomes extremely angry, expecting to be recued by those they have just ignored, soaked or inconvenienced.

Passengers travelling in a car with a narcissist will be given no consideration:

• Under-age children will be sat in the front seat, often without any special restraint or support.
• Frail, elderly, nervous, disabled or injured passengers will be expected to 'grin and bear it' without comment.

It is a scary experience!

Occasionally, narcissists become Centre-Lane-Only-Drivers (CLODs) who hold up other road users, especially lorries who cannot overtake them. They will force lorries to undertake (pass on the passenger side) only to become irate, changing lanes to 'teach the lorry driver a lesson.'

Narcissists will also drive without licence, insurance or road tax, without conscience.

The Narcissist's Friend

Narcissists may deign, or expect, friends to drive them, particularly on business trips.

Although they may be polite, narcissists ALWAYS notice mistakes and will choose to highlight these at the time, by suggesting ways to do it better. A phrase commonly used is, 'I would have done that differently.' They may also wait until they have a large audience with whom they can share the story and cause maximum damage and / or humiliation to the driver.

Other criticisms are likely to include make, model, age and condition of the vehicle, especially if the narcissist perceives that their own is 'better' than the one they are in. Even if their friend's car is perceived as 'better' by the narcissist, they will still find something to criticise in the vehicle: the narcissist feels 'better' by making others look or feel 'worse.'

Narcissists try to exercise power over and impose their will on the person at the wheel. Expressions like, 'Go on! Overtake them!' or 'Don't let them past!' or 'Teach them a lesson!' are common.

A Person Unknown to the Narcissist

If a narcissist takes a taxi or is driven by somebody they do not know, they may be polite, especially early in the journey. Alternatively, they may be highly critical or aggressive, especially if they are paying for the ride. They will often 'know a better , shorter or quicker' route than their driver.

Highly entitled and toxic narcissists will often clock-watch, looking for reasons to reduce or avoid their fair, or opportunity to be critical. This is frequently seen when a narcissist is taken to hospital by ambulance. To their friends, they recall how close they were to death, how much pain they were in, etc. To the ambulance crew, they will be rude, caustic, sarcastic, demanding, know better treatment and even question techniques used to save their life. Their inner, emotionally immature, child emerges in full victim mode.

A Relative or The Spouse of the Narcissist

If a relative is driving, the narcissist will often feel more entitled to let them know where they are wrong. If the narcissist perceives a relative as 'better' than themselves, in any way (such as, more highly qualified) the relative will be in for a rough ride. Narcissists use every opportunity to pull others down so that they feel better about themselves. On the rare occasion that the narcissist holds a particular relative in high esteem, they will be polite and highly complimentary, yet still subtly share imperfections in the person's driving. Only if the narcissist feels they, personally, would be crushed, or miss out on something (like an inheritance) will they (possibly) remain quiet.

When it comes to a narcissist's spouse or partner driving, they are in for 'Hell on earth!' Everything within a narcissist is determined to destroy their partner's confidence, self-esteem and sense of identity. They need to be kept under control and the best way to achieve that is to dismantle any perception of worth within the partner. Everything from sarcasm, to shouting, to silence, to threats, to the narcissist taking-over driving the vehicle, will be used to undermine and debase their partner. The narcissist exercises power over their relative or spouse at the wheel. The tone of the narcissist's voice, the words they use and the urgency / aggression will not be suggestions: they will be orders that are barked or shouted and, if ignored, severe consequences will follow later (violence, silence treatment, going out, staying out). If they stay out, they may choose to argue about what happened and stamp their authority when they return home (grandiose or overt narcissists) or they may act as if nothing happened, be friendly, smile and level-headed (most common with covert narcissists). The punishment will come later when the partner / spouse is totally unprepared.

Some partners refuse to drive the narcissist, some narcissists refuse to allow their partner to drive them, some will allow their partner to drive and then bring up the criticism later, at home or in-front of family and friends. Few narcissists acknowledge that their partner is a good driver, unless it benefits the narcissist to do so, or there is chance to undermine the partner at later.

Narcissists and Driving Offences

Narcissists are more likely to commit driving offences, especially speeding.

Some are arrogant and impervious, either challenging the offence, through the courts if necessary, or paying-up and pretending it did not happen.

However, when a narcissist receives notification of an offence, it is a strong challenge to their fragile self-esteem, sense of superiority, entitlement and need to be in control. They are now under the control of another which they resent: it is unacceptable, failure and a strong attack on their image and identity. Narcissists, of all types, will be strongly triggered. As they fail to keep their emotions under control, they will throw the adult equivalent of a childhood tantrum: rage. Their family, especially spouse / partner are likely to take the brunt of their anger and will sustain emotional and psychological injury, perhaps even physical injury.

In some instances, as has been seen in high profile cases in the media, narcissists may coerce their partner to accept responsibility for the offence, even when photographs show the narcissist driving the offending vehicle. A narcissist's lack of empathy makes them cold and callous, as they try to avoid blame and responsibility.

As mentioned previously, some narcissists drive vehicles with heavily, or protectively, tinted windows to hinder or prevent identification.

Narcissists lie and deny because it is always somebody else who is guilty!

Narcissists and Accidents

Narcissists are also more likely to cause accidents.

Intense self-focus, whilst driving, prevents them from noticing other road users and what is happening, around them, endangering not only other drivers, but also pedestrians, workmen, emergency services and animals.

But, accidents are never the fault of a narcissist.

Recently, whilst driving on a motorway, we were in slow-moving, queued, traffic, due to the intersection of two motorways. A driver, in their expensive SUV, decided that they could not wait, so turned into the safety lane (hard shoulder) and accelerated away. Unfortunately, another vehicle pulled onto the hard shoulder a bit further ahead and the two collided. As we drove past, the impatient driver had jumped out of their SUV and a serious altercation was in full-swing. Narcissistic rage quickly become violent when (an)other driver(s) react(s).

Narcissists are also highly litigious characters who accuse others, deny responsibility and are prepared to go to court, even when cameras are on-site to show evidence to the contrary. Like insurance companies, narcissists NEVER accept liability, even if they drive into a tree when drunk: it is the tree's fault for being there. They can also be vindictive liars who demand excessive financial settlements that include damage unrelated to the incident in question. An attitude of, 'What can I get away with?' prevails.

How to Cope with Narcissistic Behaviour on the Roads

Narcissistic rage can be triggered by other road users and by people in their car, especially a spouse, partner or relative.

Coping with each scenario presents different challenges which are outlined below.

When Inside a Car with a Raging Narcissistic Driver

Experiencing narcissistic rage whilst driving in a car is a traumatic experience, especially if we have experienced trauma and abuse previously, or whilst growing-up.

Whether their rage is triggered by another road user or by their passenger, we are trapped in a prison or pressure-cooker, with no escape. Our usual coping strategies (escaping, withdrawal, not engaging, not reacting) are rarely options that are open to us.

This is why narcissists often choose to fight in the car (their rage is also rarely witnessed by others, except, perhaps, children in the back seat). This only intensifies our stress.

So, what options won't work?

• Escape to safety and avoid engaging – saying nothing may inflame a narcissist's rage, especially if we cannot escape it. In the same way, physically trying to shut out the screaming (putting our hands over our ears, turning the radio on) will only insult and escalate conflict.
• Stop the vehicle or get out – we may be on a busy road, or road where pedestrians are not allowed (motorway / freeway), in a dangerous area of a town, city or countryside or in the middle of nowhere. 'Escaping to safety' is not an option.
• React and respond aggressively – we may choose to raise the ante and fight back, This is not a good idea at the best of times, but in the confined space of a vehicle, in close-proximity to a narcissist and with nowhere to run, it only invites violence and injury. A raging narcissist has no self-control so tempers will explode. The narcissist will also be able to concentrate on their driving, endangering ourselves and others.

What other options DO we have?

An excellent idea, suggested by psychologist, Dr Ramani, is to distract ourselves whilst the narcissist rages and the car is moving. Whether we are driver or passenger we can, for example, look for a particular letter of the alphabet on road signs, working our way from A to Z. This simple technique diverts our attention towards something constructive rather than tuning-in to abuse, criticism, belittling and personal attack. It also allows us to still respond with comments that, hopefully, reduce tension, whilst not having to focus on the tirade directed towards us.

Other practical steps can be taken whilst arranging events that will involve a journey, in a vehicle, with a narcissist. For example:

• Using separate cars or arranging separate transport – this is particularly helpful if there is a risk that the narcissist will be offended is high at whatever function we will attend. If they leave early and we are not ready to leave, it allows us to stay.
• Using third party transport (taxi, friend, colleague) – if we sense or fear narcissistic rage during our journey to, or from, the function, having an independent person or somebody the narcissist knows / respects in the vehicle with us, can prevent outbursts.

Unfortunately, narcissists are highly controlling. Therefore, suggesting these options may be met with a solid 'No!' because they know that their control will be minimised in these settings.

Whenever narcissistic rage is experienced, we must remember that it is about the narcissist, NOT about other people (especially us). This may not prevent outbreaks of rage and conflict, but it will help us park responsibility for whatever happens on the narcissist's shoulders (even though they will make us out to be the villain and perpetrator).

It is important, after the event, to allow ourselves to calm down and also to check-in with our children to ensure that they are okay too.

Harassment by a Narcissistic Driver

Many times we do not know what is happening until we are the target of reckless, aggressive and dangerous driving by another person. We may have inadvertently done something to trigger them or they may already be in a rage and we are simply in their way.

We can use both Proactive and Reactive steps to reduce the risk of road rage and accidents occurring.

Proactive Steps

• Be considerate to other road users – try not to upset other drivers. We should avoid actions that are more important for our own ego than for other road users (such as, refusing to allow a driver to join a queue, deliberately blocking roads joining our own).
• Be patient – everyone makes mistakes from time to time. The other driver may be inexperienced or could be driving on unfamiliar roads.
• Actively avoid conflict with other drivers – some motorists look for an argument. Focusing on our driving and avoiding eye contact with the other driver, especially when waiting in traffic, help to defuse potentially inflammatory situations.
• Fully concentrate on driving – do not allow distractions from music, map reading or passengers whilst driving. Mobile phones should be placed out of sight to avoid temptation to check it while driving (which is a punishable offence).
• Do not 'lane-hog' – whilst driving on a motorway or dual carriageway, it can be tempting to stay in the middle or overtaking lane. Driving slowly in the middle lane will rapidly escalate tempers, especially in articulated or heavy lorry drivers and vehicles towing a trailer who, by law, are not allowed to use the outermost lane.

Reactive Steps

If we are already a target for aggressive driving or road-rage, the only way that we can manage the situation is to take action that reduces the risk of escalation and / or an accident.

Simple, but effective, steps that help us to deal with such a situation, include:

• Try to avoid reacting and responding to their driving tactics – whenever possible, safely pull over to allow them past. Taking a deep breath can help to reduce the risk of delivering unnecessary 'hand signals' or other reactions. Focus on calming down, pulling into a layby, petrol or service station if necessary (unless the other driver has already done so).
• If an aggressive driver is tailgating you – we must not sacrifice our own safety by allowing them to push us above the speed limit for the road on which we are travelling. At the earliest, safe, opportunity, allow the driver past. If you are on a single-track road, pulling into a passing place may suffice; if you are driving on a road with roundabouts, an extra circuit around the roundabout may help.
• Stay in control of the vehicle – avoid swerving or braking suddenly (unless necessary to avoid an accident). These both put ourselves and other drivers in danger. They may also encourage the other driver to be even more aggressive in their actions.
• Persistent harassment by the same driver – if we are feeling unsafe, making our way to a safe, public place and calling the police, or to a local police station (if we know where it is) may be a wise action. We should NOT DRIVE HOME if we continue to be followed by an aggressive driver as this only provides them with more opportunities to abuse in future and can be dangerous.

When a Raging Driver is at Your Car Window

Personal safety is our priority.

Remember that when a person is in a rage, they will not listen to reason, nor will they be able to reason.

• Stay calm – easy-to-say and hard-to-do, but essential when faced with aggression.
• Do not retaliate – avoiding the use of aggressive words or gestures, helps to prevent escalating aggression in the other driver and in ourself. It is wise to keep all windows and doors locked: maintaining a barrier between ourselves and an aggressive person helps avoid personal injury.
• Ignore them – it may be necessary to ignore them, avoid eye-contact and call the police.
• Acknowledge any mistakes – whether or not we think we are right or wrong, it is helpful and wise to recognise and acknowledge any perceived mistakes. 
• If they continue to follow us after the event – avoid going straight home. Although we may want to be somewhere 'safe and familiar,' driving home allows them to extend their abuse. It is also more dangerous for us. Instead, drive to a police station or to a busy area, if possible.

Aggressive and intimidating behaviour on the roads can be a frightening experience. Self-protection and diffusing tension are two good strategies on which to focus.

It is also important to allow ourselves time to calm-down afterwards. Deep breathing exercises, listening to calming music or other ways that work for us, are helpful and important: continuing to drive whilst anxious, shocked or angry reduces our concentration, increasing the chances of distraction, dangerous driving and accidents.

Conclusions

A narcissist on the road raises many opportunities for aggression, conflict and danger.

Whether they are the driver, or the passenger, their emotional and psychological make-up makes them highly volatile, resulting in outbursts of rage and lack of control. This immediately escalates the risk of danger for everyone in their car and for other road-users.

Narcissists avoid all responsibility and accountability for offences and accidents, often manipulating and coercing others into accepting the blame on their behalf.

Rage inside a vehicle in which a narcissist is travelling has significant impact on passengers because there is no escape. Therefore, the usual tactics for diffusing, disengaging or avoiding their rage cannot be used.

If we know that a friend, family member or partner is narcissistic, it is best, whenever possible, to avoid being in the same vehicle as them. However, this is rarely an option for those who are in a relationship with a narcissist and have, for whatever reason, chosen to remain in that relationship.

Narcissists who drive on our roads are a danger to everybody, including themselves.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts