A Narcissist's Approach to Disability

Introduction

There is opportunity for misunderstanding and wrong assumptions between the disabled person, their family / carers, healthcare providers, friends and work colleagues, plus any combination of these.

How narcissists interact with disability is also a complex subject. Their reactions towards disability may vary, but it is a subject that impacts them significantly and universally..

If we consider a few basics of narcissism and disability, we see why and where there are traps and triggers.

Narcissism Basics

What do we know about narcissists that may make them pay attention to disability?

We know that narcissists:

• Feel special, superior and expect privilege: their world revolves around 'me.'
• Feel entitled to special treatment, even when they have not earned or deserved it.
• Cannot tolerate imperfection.
• Cannot accept responsibility for mistakes.
• Must be in control, manipulating situations and people to achieve and maintain it.
• Crave attention from others.
• Lack empathy (appreciation for how others feel) and the ability to self-reflect.
• Are compulsive liars in ANY and ALL situations.
• Know best.

Disability Basics

Disability comes in different forms, usually divided into 'physical' and 'mental.'

It may be the result of:

• Genetics
• A difficult birth
• Childhood trauma, illness or accident.
• Adult trauma, illness or accident.
• Negligence.

There is also a chance that disability is 'self-inflicted,' that is, arises through self-harm or attempts to commit suicide.

A disability may be visible to those outside, or it may not. In either case, it will certainly draw attention and comments from friends, family and onlookers.

It will affect what they can physically or mentally do, how others interact with them and how they interact with others.

A majority of people who grow up with a disability report negative impacts on their social, professional and personal life. Many have had to fight for everything (or their family has) which can lead to a strong will, resilience and achievement. However, it can also create anger, resentment, entitlement and rejection.

A Narcissist's Response

When we look at the two lists for Narcissism Basics and Disability Basics (above), we can see many opportunities one characteristic may reinforce or promote another. There are also areas where one may subtract from the other.

Typical ways in which a narcissist may relate to disability, include: 

• Playing the victim - they use disability to gain attention and sympathy. 
• Using their children's disabilities - they use their children's disability to feel needed ('supply').
• Disability claims - they get insurers to pay disability claims on their own terms, or they may try to involve people with influence at the company to get their claim paid. 

Narcissists are often intellectual and so, may not consider themselves disabled, completing daily tasks, even at the expense of others. 

People with a disability who are seeking self-worth and acceptance are vulnerable to narcissists. Narcissists need a source of supply (input to bolster-up their fragile sense of self-worth). It is easy for a narcissist and disabled person to become mutually dependent. We call this 'codependency.'

What is the Disability and Who Has it?

The nature of a disability and the person in whom it resides, are important for determining how narcissists react.

Here are some examples that help us to understand this better.

1. A NARCISSIST WITH DISABILITY

Although disability represents weakness and imperfection to a narcissist, it also provides attention, sympathy, empathy, high visibility and opportunities to speak about themselves. So, disability may drive a narcissist into the depths of shame and despair, or it may elevate them to capitalise on being the centre of attention. The same narcissist may show both reactions, depending upon the nature, permanence and visibility of their disability.

EXAMPLE A: Permanently Wheelchair-Bound Through Injury

The intensity of a narcissist's reactions are likely to be influenced by how soon it is after being given their prognosis. The following are likely.

• Anger, resentment and frustration at becoming 'abnormal.'
• Disbelief that it should happen to them (challenges entitlement).
• Shame and a sense of failure because they are 'visibly imperfect.'
• Anxiety (in overt or grandiose type), possibly depression (especially in covert type).
• Seize every chance to play the victim.
• Enjoy increased attention, sympathy and empathy from others.
• Increased chances to talk about themselves.
• Relentlessly pursue compensation and litigation.
• Expect to be be exempt from certain rules (such as, waiting lists).
• Frustrated because must follow instruction from others (represents loss of superiority and control).
• Entitled to be rude and/or abrasive.

As a result, they will probably look for new ways to control and manipulate people and situations they are in.

EXAMPLE B: Broken Leg Through a Sports Injury

This is a short-term situation where the benefits to a narcissist outweigh the negatives. Typical narcissistic thought patterns include:

• Attracts considerable sympathy and empathy from others.
• Raises their visibility and attracts attention.
• Can blame it on someone else.
• Can play the victim or the hero, whichever is needed to gain the most attention.
• Provides plenty of opportunities to talk about themself.
• Someone else's fault with possible opportunity for litigation.

EXAMPLE C: Has Been Wheelchair-Bound Since Birth

Here, the narcissist has become used to their situation and their narcissism may have developed through dealing with their disability. Narcissists may think as follows.

• Entitled to special treatment and privileges because disabled.
• Attracts sympathy and empathy from others.
• Raises their visibility and attracts attention.
• Can blame it on someone else.
• Can play victim and use disability as an excuse.
• Seize chances to talk about themself.
• Expect to be be exempt from certain rules (such as, can gain access to 'forbidden' areas).
• Frustrated - must follow prescribed regimen of drugs, routines, etc. (represents loss of control).
• Excuse to be rude and / or abrasive (through having been 'over-cared-for').

If the disability is disfiguring then the narcissist may be less focused upon being seen and receiving sympathy but more focused upon their entitlement. Anger, frustration and victim status are also likely to be prominent.

2. OTHER PEOPLE WITH A DISABILITY

Disability in other people brings out a narcissist's contempt, sense of superiority and lack of empathy. It represents inferiority, faults, imperfections, failure and vulnerability (needing others). The narcissist has no vested interest in the person concerned, so their reactions are often, less intense. However, if a disabled person 'steals' attention and empathy to which the narcissist feels entitled, it represents a significant threat.

EXAMPLE A: A Wheelchair Bound-Child

People exist solely for the benefit and promotion of narcissists. Children are no different. Therefore, a narcissist is likely to:

• Ignore them, even visibly changing direction to make a point of avoiding them.
• Blame them for their disability.
• Make fun of them.
• Embarrass them, or make inappropriate comments about them.
• Show mock concern, but ONLY IF it gains the narcissist kudos.
• Be embarrassed, even shy away 'in case they, or their reputation, are tainted by the disability.'
• Be critical and resentful of the attention they receive, or activities they undertake.
• If no disability is visible in a wheelchair-bound child, the narcissist may doubt any disability.

However, if we consider how narcissists react to their own child with a disability, whether temporary or permanent, they will mirror those seen towards an intimate partner with a disability (see Section 3, below).

EXAMPLE B: A Friend With PTSD

Mental illness, per se, is considered by many narcissists to be weakness or non-existent / an excuse. If the condition takes attention away from the narcissist, they will feel threatened and negative responses may be triggered in the narcissist, such as:

• Disbelief and contempt.
• Criticism.
• Mockery, inappropriate comments and humiliation.
• Lack of interest or outright denial.
• Fear, withdrawal and severing the 'friendship.'
• Giving unsolicited and unhealthy advice, including, how to cure it.
• Becoming angry and frustrated.
• Questioning or denying the causes (especially if they perceive that they are, in any way, to blame).

Occasionally, a narcissist may 'listen' IF they feel that there is useful information which can bolster their own ego, be used against others, or can be used to create problems.

EXAMPLE C: A Disabled Subordinate at Work

Narcissists love 'power over' others. A subordinate with a disability is not only vulnerable to attack and abuse by narcissists, their disability also makes them even less worthy of praise or recognition. Consequently, narcissists may:

• Be excessively controlling and manipulating.
• Humiliate the disabled person because of what they cannot do.
• Give tasks that are difficult or impossible to complete.
• Single-out the disabled person for criticism.
• Fail to promote them, even when they have proven their worth.
• Make them feel unappreciated, out-of-place, a hindrance, uncomfortable or replaceable.
• Indirectly or privately threaten them, their position or employment.
• Impose an excessive workload, or menial, degrading, unchallenging tasks and projects.
• Micro-manage them to send the message that they 'are incompetent and being watched.'
• Show prejudice against the disabled person and / or forbid them to join in with those who are 'more able-bodied.'
• Isolate them physically from the rest of the office, or team.
• Try to isolate them emotionally by excluding them from important meetings (including failing to inform them), and / or using vague and confusing emails and changing arrangements without informing them.

3. INTIMATE PARTNER WITH DISABILITY

Narcissists hide their abusive behaviour from the outside world, appearing to be the 'ideal' husband, wife, partner, colleague, etc. However, to their spouse, or intimate partner, they are 'the gift from Hell that keeps on giving.' Their response to a spouse becoming disabled, for any reason, consistently demonstrates a lack of empathy and care. Narcissists must always be the centre of attention so, anything that distracts away from this, is a threat.

EXAMPLE A: A Spouse Who Becomes Disabled

A spouse who becomes disabled is likely to experience one of three responses:

1. The relationship / marriage ends.
2. The narcissist spends most of their time away from the residence.
3. The narcissist looks to have their spouse put in a care home or sheltered accommodation.

The narcissist will also:

• Blame the spouse for the disability and absolve themselves of all responsibility.
• Seek another partner (if they don't already have one).
• Spend as little time as possible with their spouse.
• Not allow their spouse's disability to interfere with, or inconvenience, their own life.
• Expect the disabled spouse to care for themselves, or expect friends / relatives to care for them.
• Expect all manual (menial) tasks to still be done by the disabled spouse, or their friends / relatives. IF the narcissist undertakes any of these, they will probably restrict activities to their own clothes or washing-up.
• Expect hospital and doctor appointments to be attended alone, or with a friend and that all arrangements, including transport, will be made by the disabled spouse.
• Mock the disabled spouse about their clumsiness, appearance, limited abilities, etc.
• Continue to invite their (few) friends around, even including any new love interest (under the guise of 'a friend') whilst expecting their disabled spouse to wait on their needs.

In cases where a spouse becomes bedbound, their personal care will be by health service providers, family and / or friends. A narcissist will rarely undertake these responsibilities, especially consistently or long-term. The disabled spouse will certainly not receive empathy or emotional support from the narcissist.

EXAMPLE B: A Spouse Who Becomes Temporarily Disabled

Typical responses from narcissists towards a spouse who becomes temporarily disabled, such as, through a broken leg or ankle include:

• It is the spouse's fault, therefore, the narcissist is absolved from all responsibility. It is common that an injured ('disabled') spouse must find their own way to and from hospital.
• The spouse must look after themselves, totally. This includes refreshments, meals and washing.
• If the house needs cleaning, the injured spouse is expected to do it.
• The narcissist expects their meals to be made by the injured spouse. Otherwise, the narcissist eats out, alone or 'in company.'
• The narcissist 'comes and goes' as they please, rarely explaining their movements or return time.
• The narcissist will sleep in a separate bed, if they are not doing so already ('so that they can get a good night's sleep'). Alternatively, they may sleep away overnight without explanation or reason.
• Hospital and doctor appointments will be attended alone or with a friend. The spouse must make all transport arrangements.
• The spouse may be mocked about clumsiness, appearance, limited abilities, etc., whilst incapacitated.
• The narcissist may invite their (few) friends around, expecting the spouse to wait on their needs.

A narcissist may perform an occasional 'good deed,' such as, taking a waste bin out, BUT such occasions will be few and most likely when their good deeds will be seen by outsiders / neighbours. Once the disabled spouse is more recovered, they will be reminded about how much they 'owe' the narcissist. Each and every 'kind' action will be recalled repeatedly and expected to be repaid.

There will be little or no empathy or emotional support for the injured spouse from the narcissist at any stage.

EXAMPLE C: A Spouse Suffering from Terminal Illness

A spouse who becomes terminally ill is likely to experience similar treatment by the narcissist as a spouse who becomes disabled during a relationship (Part A, above), namely:

1. The relationship / marriage ends.
2. The narcissist spends most of their time away from the residence.
3. The narcissist looks to have their spouse put in a hospital or hospice at the earliest time.

The narcissist will also:

• Blame the spouse for the illness (including, not looking after themselves well enough, looking after themselves too well, being too stressed, never doing anything, being from the wrong family, being too selfish, looking for attention, etc,). Notice that these are how a narcissist thinks about themself but they have 'projected them onto their spouse, in order to absolve themselves of responsibility.
• Seek (an)other partner(s) if they don't already have one.
• Spend very little time with their spouse, even when both are in the same residence.
• Not allow their spouse's illness to interfere with, or inconvenience, their own life.
• Leave their spouse to care for themselves, or expect friends / relatives and healthcare staff to do it.
• Neglect care of the living accommodation, inside and out, leaving the manual / menial tasks to the spouse's friends or relatives. The narcissist may look after their own needs (washing clothes and pots), or they will arrange for someone else to do it when things start to 'pile-up.'
• Leave hospital and doctor appointments and transport arrangements to the spouse or a friend. The narcissist will rarely attend with their spouse.
• The spouse may be mocked or ridiculed about their illness, or it may be ignored, denied or minimised.
• The narcissist may invite their friends around and / or their new love interest. The spouse will probably be expected to wait on their needs until they are no longer well-enough to do so. At this point, the narcissist will probably go elsewhere for their meals and entertainment.

When the spouse becomes bedbound, their care will be from health service providers, family and / or friends. Rarely will the narcissist undertake any of these responsibilities.

Once in a hospice, the narcissist is unlikely to visit regularly, unless they can gain something from it (good reputation, high status, praise or adulation).

There will be little or no empathy or emotional support for the spouse from the narcissist.

The funeral will often be lavish with many visual examples of how deeply the narcissist loved their spouse and how perfect their marriage was. This is one last opportunity to deceive friends en-masse, to be the centre of attention and be treated as a 'victim of cruel circumstances.' It is also the ideal opportunity to arrange long-term support from friends who will simply be a means of inflating the narcissist's fragile self-esteem.

EXAMPLE D: A Spouse Who Was Born With a Disability

Narcissists rarely approach somebody with a disability to be their partner or spouse UNLESS the narcissist benefits in some way. For example, they may be able to use benefits that their disabled partner receives to support their own purposes and activities, whilst neglecting their disabled partner.

Conclusions

How a narcissist acts and reacts towards disability is influenced by factors like, who is disabled, the nature and visibility of the disability, familial relationship of the disabled person to the narcissist, work relationship to the disabled person, whether the disability is temporary or permanent and whether it is something that has been suffered since birth or something that occurred in earlier or later life.

Disability triggers narcissistic traits, especially when the narcissist perceives that they are being challenged or threatened. It also provokes responses originating from their lack of empathy, sense of superiority, entitlement or being special.

For any outsider who has their eyes open, they will see how cruel and unfeeling narcissists are.

The take-home message is that narcissists do not cope with, or handle disability well. Consequently, the disabled person is vulnerable to abuse, manipulation and hardship.

If we notice someone reacting to disability, as we have described in this blog post, then we may be seeing signs and symptoms of a narcissist in action.

**************************************************

You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts