A Narcissist's Approach to Compromise

Introduction

Compromise is something that impacts our life, every day.

It is so much a part of who we are and what we do that we don't even think about it. We let people through a door before us, allow drivers into the queue from a side road, decide where we are going on holiday as a family, reduce our own speed slightly so that a lorry can safely overtake us , or allow a person with few items to go before us at a checkout when our basket is full.

Compromise is part of being human and it is part of what makes groups, teams, businesses and individuals interact smoothly and effectively with others.

So, what happens when compromise is not on our agenda?

What is Compromise?

The word compromise comes from the French, compromis.

It was first used in the English language, as a verb, in the late 1500s. 

Today, the Oxford Dictionary defines compromise as follows:

• Noun - an agreement between two or more parties where each side gives up something to reach a satisfactory outcome. 
• Verb - to reach an agreement by making mutual concessions. 

Compromise may be seen as a positive attribute. For example,

• Achieving a positive outcome for all concerned.
• Allowing some of our own needs to come second, so that we can find a way forward.
• Changing our view so that everyone benefits.
• Being prepared to allow others to go before us (politeness).
• Helping another person, even though it costs us time, money, energy and sometimes, reputation.

... or as something negative. For example,

• A concession that is shameful.
• Being exposed to an unauthorised or potentially dangerous person.
• Creating weakness or damage.
• Being exposed to suspicion, discredited, or maliciously maligned.
• Changing something to make it worse and prevent further action to restore balance.

Research over the years has shown that how we view a situation is heavily influenced by our upbringing, life experience, personal beliefs and emotional make-up.

Narcissists are no different.

What is Compromise to a Narcissist?

Narcissists have extreme and opposing views of everything, including compromise, depending upon who is affected.

They view compromise as weakness, failure, losing, even disaster. Therefore, if they are asked or expected to compromise, it undermines their whole system and structure of identity, which is built upon superiority, being special, entitled and privileged.

A narcissist who compromises feels that they undermine their self-image, security, value and identity. It is a NO GO zone.

However, others must compromise when a narcissist wants something, even if their demands are unreasonable, even ridiculous (see 'Bait and Switch' by a Narcissist, below). It is an unwritten rule.

When Might a Narcissist Be Expected to Compromise?

Narcissists will ONLY compromise if they benefit.

This is a significant issue during divorce settlements where the term 'fair settlement' means, to the narcissist, mine! Many cases that proceed to a final hearing in court, result in the narcissist losing much more than they would have through compromise during negotiation. In one settlement, the narcissist paid more than £70,000 more after court settlement than they were offered immediately before the court's sitting. They rationalised such 'unfairness' by blaming the judge and legal team. They accept no personal responsibility for what happens.

Lawyers who are trained and skilled specifically in dealing with narcissists during out-of-court negotiations, use the narcissist's mindset to create a fair compromise for the targeted spouse. For example, they may appeal to the narcissist's sense of self-importance when discussing compromise over division of mutually-owned valuables, or not-so valuables. We must realise that narcissists are also scheming individuals who get a kick ('supply') out of the inconvenience, confusion and chaos they create. This is why a 'Narcissist-Savvy' legal team is so important.

What are the Results of a Narcissist Failing to Compromise?

Wherever there is a process, or chain of events, a narcissist's lack of compromise causes pain, conflict, delay, frustration and drama for everyone in that process / chain.

It could be in a business, a team, a family, a community group, or a legal process. The narcissist's lack of compromise is compounded by their expectations of how much others must compromise for them. Their reasoning and arguments are neither logical, nor realistic.

Ultimately, failure to compromise leads to relationship breakdown, business failure and bankruptcy, collapse of charities and high legal costs for divorce and other legal processes.

'Bait and Switch' by a Narcissist

'Bait and switch' is a premeditated, manipulative, cynical and cruel move by a narcissist.

• First, they make a small compromise by capitulating on something about which they have been immovable, to demonstrate their good will towards their target.
• In return, they expect an unreasonable or unacceptable comprise by their target.
• Their target reacts.
• The narcissist then accuses the target of abusing them.

This is a common tactic used by narcissists to punish their targets. It highlights their lack of empathy, the callous and unfeeling tricks they use and how little they care about the impact of their decisions and actions on others. It is a technique they use to escape responsibility by blaming others. I can recall various conversations with solicitors who have both opposed narcissists and represented them, where it was impossible keeping the narcissist focused on the matters at hand. They take the most insignificant, even irrelevant fact, comment or inference and create the proverbial mountain from the molehill. Why? Because it serves their purpose in creating chaos soup where inconvenience, frustration and delay make the narcissist feel better about themselves.

Conclusions

Compromise is an integral part of daily life; a skill that keeps things running smoothly. It is for and about, mutual benefit.

A narcissist's self-obsession makes them unwilling to compromise. They see it as weakness and failure: a defect. As a result, everyone who has some contact with the narcissist and their actions is affected adversely, hindering smooth, efficient and enjoyable working environments.

Narcissists expect others to compromise, even when the demands made are ridiculous and will use a range of tactics to punish those who refuse (or everyone, depending upon how the narcissist feels).

Like every interaction with a narcissist, the response is conditional upon what the narcissist wants.

Compromise is the key to an equitable agreement during divorce. Therefore, only highly skilled, specifically trained legal personnel (lawyers) stand a chance of negotiating a mutually fair settlement for both parties.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts