A Narcissist's Approach to Competition

Introduction

We live in an increasingly competitive, increasingly unhappy world, a world that defines success by, amongst other things, social position (status) and material possessions (wealth).

Opulence equals opportunity and power over others. It is applauded, worshipped, craved by many and a powerful motivator (driver) for many. Success allows people to demonstrate their importance, status and significance.

For many of us, born into this understanding, it is our normal. We believe it has always been this way. There is no other.

But hast it?

What is Competition?

The word 'competition' originates from the Latin word competere, which means 'to strive together.'

Competition was not about individual success: it was about success together.

Over time, this definition has swiveled through 180-degrees to mean the opposite. Today, the Oxford Dictionary defines competition as, 'the activity or condition of striving to gain or win something by defeating or establishing superiority over others.'

When 'with' and 'together' become 'against' and 'over' the functioning of any group (team, community, society) changes. Reward becomes more important than happiness and 'me' becomes more important than 'we.' Interdependence becomes independence.

Why is Competition Important for a Narcissist?

Competition is a powerful force in a narcissist's life because it is how they maintain their identity.

Two defining traits of narcissism are feelings of being special and superior. Being equal is not good enough. Narcissists fulfil the modern definition of competition because, in order to feel special, superior, significant, or even noticed, they must dominate or defeat others: to stand-apart from them.

When we rank our significance or importance against others, we (community or society) hit problems.

When we rank our significance or importance against others, based upon what we have, or our perceived status, we hit serious problems!

The success of any group is based upon what is achieved together, with the resulting benefits shared fairly amongst everyone. Such success relies upon clear communication, strong relationships and high levels of trust, all enhanced by a 'we' attitude amongst its members. However, they become dysfunctional when individualism rears its head.

At the heart of narcissism is the excessive focus on 'I, me and mine' driven by crippling insecurity and fragile self-esteem. In order to 'be' they must 'have.'

However, we are NOT defined by what we own. Our intrinsic value, as individuals, is based upon who we are.

Those who have learned to be content with who they are, do not need stuff to bolster their ego. They may be materially rich, or materially poor, but their self-worth does not change. They do no need to prove their value to others and they do not need others to dictate their personal value, because they KNOW it, deep within themselves.

Why Must a Narcissist Win?

Winning proves superiority, dominance over, better than, being gifted, talented, special, unique.

It is the life-blood for a narcissist's lack of identity and self-worth. Winning allows them to feel reasonably good about themselves. But, this feeling quickly evaporates, needing to be regained. A narcissist achieves this is through competition against others.

Anything less than victory is perceived as failure. Therefore, to avoid feelings of failure or inadequacy, that lead to high anxiety and deep depression, the narcissist must continually prove themselves by winning.

Narcissists are driven people. They do not care (lack empathy) about others, or about the impact of their selfish actions upon others. So, whenever a narcissist is part of (or influences) a group, there is a diversion of focus and a fracturing of unity. The results are confusion, chaos and low achievement.

Conclusions

Competition against others provides narcissists with an opportunity to prove their worth and achieve higher status through their victories. Their total self-focus leads to high conflict and dysfunction within groups, as they disrupt the dynamics and divert attention away from goals that have been agreed together, towards goals of the narcissist.

Competition, under the modern definition, fragments and destroys larger groups through conflict, as personal (me) focus takes over from corporate (together) focus. Add a narcissist to the mix and the lack of empathy compounds the negative impacts, converting dysfunction into destruction.

Narcissists must compete in order to survive their own, withering self-criticism, so that they can win and feel valued. Sadly, they are also impervious to significant change and therefore, their presence in a group or community of people will always be toxic, to some degree, negatively impacting the dynamics, stability, achievements and, ultimately, longevity of the group.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts