A Narcissist's Approach to Children

Introduction

This short article is designed to help us understand how narcissists view their children and the difficulties that children of narcissists face.

Narcissism is often generational: what starts in childhood continues through to adulthood, to be re-taught to children of the next generation.

Narcissists struggle with life's realities so usually avoid them through self-protection and living in their own fantasy, non-existent world. Excessive self-focus means that everything and, more significantly, everyone else exists solely for their benefit. They are neither equipped, nor interested in dealing with the responsibilities of parenthood.

They have no room or capacity to consider a child's welfare or emotional well-being, trying hard to paper-over the cracks of their ineptitude in order to maintain a good public image. Children cannot have their own opinions, unless they align with those of the narcissist or enhance the narcissist's chances of receiving what they crave: attention.

Why Do Narcissists Have Children?

A child in a narcissist's family exists, like everyone and everything else, to glorify the narcissist and direct all praise and adulation towards them.

Period!

Sure, a narcissist will spin-out socially acceptable reasons for having children, but narcissists are compulsive liars whose truth varies by what is necessary to get their own way. Beneath their mask lies an incredibly insecure individual who cannot bear for others to be better, different, unique, successful or contented. This extends to their own children, who are a possession, an item to be manipulated so that the narcissist gets their own way and causes serious problems.

What Do Narcissists Expect from Their Children?

Put simply, narcissists expect everything and nothing ... at the same time ... all the time.

• Total love, attention and adoration.
• Unerring, unquestioning obedience, compliance and subservience to the narcissist's wishes.
• Something that can focus a spotlight on the narcissist's greatness,
• A trophy about whom other people can be jealous.

It is often easier to describe and list what a narcissist does not expect (or want) from their children.

• Contradiction or challenge.
• A mind of their own.
• Success and achievement.
• A person who eventually eclipses the narcissistic in knowledge, status, position, possessions, reputation, popularity.

Narcissists expect from others, rather than for others because ALL roads lead TO the narcissist. Therefore, ANYTHING which deviates from this path is a threat that must be defeated, conquered or extinguished.

How Do Narcissists Treat Their Children?

Narcissists lack consistency because they must change the rules, as needed, to keep themselves 'on top:'

• truth is fluid;
• other people's rules and boundaries are to be bent, trodden-on or broken;
• responsibility is for others;
• empathy is minimal or non-existent.

When children arrive on the scene, nothing changes except the narcissist's perceived threat from the new competition.

The first child learns the hard way about how to conform in order to be accepted. However, in their striving to be accepted, they may become 'too successful,' only to be replaced by other siblings, or another person's child, as the 'golden child.' Subsequent siblings also watch and learn what gains them praise and what avoids pain: they learn how to manipulate others. The displaced golden child then may fall into depression and other mental health problems, or they become highly driven and/or a high achiever, as they fight to win back attention and regain favour with the narcissist.

Narcissists show their children that nothing is free, everything must be earned; even love. Giving or self-sacrifice is weakness and failure. Sane people only give if they can expect something positive in return. Their children quickly realise the importance of keeping a record to confirm that everything balances.

Children need attention as they grow and develop. To the narcissist, attention towards others takes away attention from themselves. Low empathy, immature emotional development and poorly developed sense of self mean that narcissists lack the basic skills needed to develop meaningful relationships with their children. Consequently, they may lavish material gifts, treats or holidays/outings on their child as a substitute for quality time. Alternatively, they may ignore, deprive or neglect their child of all things.

A narcissist's entitlement prevents them from understanding how to set, or use, healthy boundaries. Their children rarely understand boundaries, unless a non-narcissistic parent has a 'will of steel' to set them, enforce them and teach their children too. Narcissists will kick-back against such efforts as they see their spouse or partner challenging their authority. Such an exercise stirs-up anger and rage in the narcissist towards their partner. The lack of boundaries in the children of narcissists means that they will cut across conversation, expect everyone to pay attention to them, whenever they want it and create a scene when they do not get their own way.

Long-Term Effects of Narcissism on The Children

Children of at least one narcissistic parent may grow up to:

• follow the example set by their domineering parent and become narcissists themselves, adopting the same defensive strategies (attack);
• rebel against their upbringing and become activists against many things, especially abuse. If they have not received therapy for their own trauma, the majority of these children remain extremely reactive and angry, quickly triggered by seemingly insignificant events, words or places.
• seek closure on their upbringing and find meaning and identity based upon who they are (internal values) rather than what they have or achieve (external values), going on to lead a happy and fulfilled life.
• be highly sensitive (too sensitive) to the needs of others, perceiving another's need as their own and acting accordingly. They are prone to re-entering an abusive cycle/relationship because it is familiar and comfortable.

Children in Blended Families

Children who are brought into a relationship with a narcissist by the new partner, can either struggle or thrive, depending upon how they are accepted by the narcissistic parent.

Initially, the new children may be the golden children as they have been given to the narcissist by their new love interest. The narcissist 'love-bombs' the children, showering them with words and gifts that make them feel good ... and often make them feel obliged or in debt to the narcissist. These children may continue to be the favourites but, often, as the shine wears off the relationship with the partner, so does the obsession with the new children (possessions).

The new children may be totally ignored by the narcissist, who takes increasing control as the relationship with their new partner progresses, leading to eventual abuse (emotional and physical), neglect or, even, rejection.

In many cases, a narcissist will intentionally create barriers or conflict between children and between children and their actual parent. This enables the narcissist to have the final say (as the 'important parent'), thereby retaining a sense of control through manipulation (the narcissist's secret weapon).

There are other scenarios which may be a mixture or variation of these depending upon the individual situations faced or encountered. None are good for the children (or new partner).

Conclusions

Wherever a narcissist is involved, dysfunctional relationships develop leading to poor communication, relationship and trust. All too often, children are the collateral damage.

Narcissism in a parent (or parents) during childhood is a highly potent toxin, one that influences the child as they develop into adults and which shapes how they see and treat other people with whom they interact.

No matter how the child's life progresses, it involves significant struggle, whether through the effort and pain of treatment to reverse damage done by the narcissist, or through the consequences of the child growing-up to be a narcissist themself.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts