A Narcissist's Approach to Betrayal

Introduction

The Oxford Dictionary defines betrayal as, '... to hurt somebody who trusts you, especially by lying to or about them or telling their secrets to other people.'

It is something we have all been affected by, at some time or other, especially during childhood when we are less able to see, or handle, nuance. How often were we upset because our best friend started hanging-out with our rival or enemy? In reality, they had other friends and enjoyed being with them too. But, as children, we took it as a personal attack or rebuke. We were rarely old (mature) enough to see otherwise.

The Narcissist's World and Expectations

Emotionally, narcissists are children trapped within an adult body: a five or seven-year-old whose attitudes are driven by childish thinking. Theirs is a world of black or white, good or bad, right or wrong. There is no middle-ground. People cannot be both. Narcissists have isolated themselves in a fantasy world that does not exist outside of their thinking, where they are the ruler who must be obeyed, the one served by everyone and everything else, the person who can do no wrong, someone who must always be the centre of attention and adulation.

In short, they still live in the school playground.

The narcissist's world is fragile. Their value is measured by how other people see or perceive them. External validation (calculating their personal worth based upon what they have and own, their position and status, what they have achieved and who they know) depends on highly subjective and highly variable criteria. The simple perception that they have gone down in value because somebody who complimented them yesterday, dared to mention a weakness (vulnerability) or a failure (being human), or perhaps chose another member of the team to head-up a project or take responsibility for something the narcissist sees as important, will make them panic. Their inability to handle emotions rationally often results in explosions of criticism or rage, or playing the wounded victim, with long periods of isolation or no communication, after seemingly insignificant comments or actions by others.

They expect others to read their mind and, most destructively, their need to be right makes them change their story (or history) to ensure that they do not lose face. This 'gaslighting' affects those in contact with the narcissist and, unless handled quickly, they will suffer significant mental and physical health issues.

Narcissists lack empathy and are highly entitled: the world owes them! So, they are easily disappointed or upset, even when other people act in a considerate or empathetic manner. Don't expect a narcissist to wait in a queue, or give way to others when driving, or sit anywhere but the best table in the restaurant. Anything less is perceived as a 'slight' against them, or below them and is likely to be punished.

The Word 'Perceived'

As can be seen, the word 'perceived' or 'perception' is a critical consideration when one looks at how narcissists react to betrayal.

Their immature emotions, fictional personal world and unreasonable (impossible) expectations of others means that it is easy for narcissists to feel slighted or betrayed without others (especially those 'guilty' of the offence) realising.

Put simply, normal life upsets and disorientates a narcissist. They are a tinderbox, waiting to ignite and the sparks of ignition usually come from unexpected places and at unexpected times, often shocking those around them.

Who is Betraying Whom?

THIS IS an important consideration.

We have already discussed that narcissists cannot be wrong, are entitled and lack empathy. They compulsively lie, changing history to get their own way and going on the offensive when they are cornered. Their lack of conscience means that they will tell lies under oath, in a court of law, without any second thought. This makes them dangerous, especially as they love litigation and extended legal cases create plenty of drama: causing chaos and misunderstanding are a narcissist's specialities.

Narcissists consider that betraying others is perfectly reasonable, acceptable and without consequences. They do it frequently,

However, if another person is perceived, by the narcissist, to have betrayed them, it is a completely different story.

A Narcissist's Response

If a narcissist thinks that others are betraying them, the gates of Hades will not contain their rage, vindictiveness or focus in destroying those responsible and any who dare to associate with them: friends, family, work colleagues, community members.

The fallout from betraying a narcissist is significant, long-lasting and often crippling for all involved.

Exactly what is seen and experienced is likely to vary by situation, depending upon the type of narcissist involved.

• Covert narcissists will be much more sneaky, unseen and low-key, but equally, if not more destructive in their effects. Their rage may be expressed through withdrawal and silence, used to divert attention away from the character assassination, lies told to important people, smear campaigns, isolation or extradition of the guilty from supportive individuals and groups (all with a smile on their face). The covert narcissist will also put-in an Oscar-worthy performance as victim, such that, the true victim and abuser roles are reversed to those outside of the situation.
• Grandiose narcissists are more likely to show their uncontrolled rage and anger, beating the opposition into submission through their obvious attack on anyone who gets in their line of fire. Grandiose narcissists are also likely play down their response as a joke, or a bit of an act or fun. They deflect all responsibility for 'over-sensitivity' onto the person (or people) perceived by the narcissist as the offender(s). Some may argue that at least one knows what is happening with a grandiose narcissist. However, they still lack empathy, so are vindictive and destructive in their need to be absolved of any wrong-doing.
• Malignant narcissists are the most dangerous group to offend. A malignant narcissist is highly toxic because they will stop at nothing to extract revenge, often using elements of antisocial behaviour, violence and sadism to execute justice. They are frequently paranoid and their perception of reality is far more skewed than others (it is possible to have malignant grandiose and malignant covert narcissists). These are the people who would rather bring down a company or community, regardless of expense to themselves, rather than 'lose.'

Conclusions

It is easy to 'betray' all types of narcissists, creating fallout that is toxic and destructive to everyone involved (and usually, wider afield). Their emotional immaturity and fragile sense of self, combined with unrealistic expectations, make them a time bomb, waiting to explode.

High levels of entitlement and low empathy means that narcissists expect to betray others. It is part of their right and they do not consider its effects on others. All that matters is getting what they want.

ALL communities of people: friendships, families, work and social are negatively impacted by the toxicity of narcissistic individuals. Communication, relationship and trust all break-down, leading to far-reaching and long-term impacts of their actions and behaviours.

With betrayal so high on the narcissist's list of tools for getting their own away, it calls into question the perception that people with strong narcissistic traits are seen as good salesmen, negotiators and CEOs.

ANYBODY who interacts with other people in a dysfunctional manner is destructive to their community.

Period.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts