A Narcissist's Approach to Ageing

Introduction

Ageing is one of those taboo subjects that so many of us avoid thinking about.

Somehow, we have devolved into a species that dreads getting older and the challenges it brings.

On a recent trip to the dentist, I was asked to fill in a questionnaire. I was staggered to see how much of this questionnaire was actually subliminal, or in some cases, overt, marketing for aesthetic products. I was asked questions like:

• Do you think your teeth could look better?
• Are you disappointed about any aspect of your appearance?
• What don't you like about your teeth?

These questions are designed to play on our insecurities and sow seeds of discontent, to make people susceptible to the marketing that will, undoubtedly, follow when patients answered 'yes.'

There were NO questions like:

• Why do you like your teeth?
• What about your appearance do you value?
• What about you as a person do you respect?

One may say that such questions are irrelevant to dentistry. Possibly. But it reinforces my perception that marketing has become almost a blackmailing tool, a way to create discontent, focusing on that until we cave-in to the pressure and buy their solution. We are satisfied until they dangle the next carrot by focusing on a different aspect of our discontent. They create a 'discontent - succumb' cycle that is repeatedly stoked and fed.

Ageing is an emotive subject for the more emotionally bereft amongst us, especially because it WILL AFFECT EVERY ONE OF US IN SOME WAY!

Basic Beliefs of Narcissists

Narcissists depend upon outside, or external, things to assess their self-worth. Many non-narcissists also fall into this same trap.

At its heart, narcissism develops around lack of personal security: narcissists think very poorly about themselves, even though many over-compensate for that by trying to appear confident, decisive, charismatic, knowledgeable. But they often overplay their cards in these, projecting an image of confidence, decisiveness, being knowledgeable when it is a lie, a mask they use to hide the emotional child trapped inside. They focus on perfection that can never be achieved and are happy when others cannot meet their standards because they feel better about themselves.

Narcissists obsess about the unachievable so that they can keep up with the rest. We all fail. However, failure is unacceptable to a narcissist, especially if they feel accused or singled-out, so they deny anything that remotely links them with it. They also hate change, unless they engineer it. If one wants to see a narcissist panic, change plans unexpectedly: their insecurity boils to the surface as rage. It is an adult version of a child's tantrum, a means to cause sufficient discomfort to get what they want. They live in world where only 'I,' 'me' and 'mine' matter. Other people are simply a means to getting more of what the narcissist wants. The world exists to please them. This is a fictitious, idealised, perfect world that does NOT really exist.

So, when we look at a narcissist's view of self-worth, it revolves around the superficial.

If we imagine a community of narcissists, what might we expect to see? Above all, we would see people obsessed with external assessments of internal values: possessions, status, power, popularity, visibility, attention ... and appearance. Unless other people meet these criteria, as defined by the narcissists, they cannot be a part of the group. However, narcissists also have to be THE best, so competition, back-stabbing, betrayal, lies, entitlement, control, ranking and division dominate these communities. They strive for something that ultimately makes them unhappy BECAUSE others have it too. Rather than being content, they endlessly strive for things, titles, labels, credentials and status that set them apart. Their focus upon the material and the vain douse their chances of happiness and fulfilment. They are caught in a perpetual cycle of chasing, forever unfulfilled, restless and unhappy.

The Reality Clash

Appearance, skin texture, hair colour, muscle tone all change as we get older. A fashion industry survives and thrives upon these facts and our obsession with appearance. The media screams at women and men that they must look, dress, act or be a certain way before they are worthy of being accepted. In other words, we are taught that our worth depends upon external factors, things we need to buy, acquire, create or inherit before we are good enough.

This is pure, naked narcissism.

Narcissists struggle in the real world, especially with standards or measures that do not meet their requirements. Ageing is one that pours salt into their wound of low self-worth and it stings! Narcissists find it hard to accept that they are getting older, especially when their self-esteem (image/ego) depends upon everything that ageing challenges (appearance, youthfulness). Cosmetic surgery of all kinds becomes a MUST, a way of keeping away from criticism, especially by the media, a way of avoiding visible ageing.

What we fail to focus on, particularly in the West, is the appreciation that with age comes experience, understanding, an ability to identify things that will go badly before we do them, because we have usually done it wrongly in the past. Rather than respecting age, we despise it. However, it is interesting that some Hollywood 'stars' are beginning to kick against the shallowness of the culture that dominates the showbusiness industry. For example, Emma Thompson, a British actress has hit out at the false (impossible) standards and expectations set by the media, expectations that lead to dissatisfaction and poor self-image (two factors that contribute to spending and a need to acquire). Is it any wonder that business embraces the negative focus of ageing. Content people buy much less because they need less.

Conclusions

The explosion in obsession with appearance and the obscene amounts of money made from cosmetic surgery shows how narcissistic values have encroached upon our society and upon our own thinking.

This is not a situation that will automatically resolve itself. It will end in civil unrest, increased self-harm and suicide.

Narcissism is NOT good for humans because it undermines key essentials of being human: community, purpose and significance, three values that grow and deepen through interaction, support and focus on 'we' rather than 'me.'

Until the drivers of self-destruction are challenged, our world will continue to ignore the obvious, fulfil the 'individual' and suffer for it.

This post is not about condemning cosmetic surgery. Many, many people benefit from correction of body anomalies and disfigurement. However, it DOES question the need for seeking external validation to fill an emptiness caused by trying to be who and what we are not.

When we learn how to recognise, embrace and celebrate getting older, we will be more content and happier because, what we currently see as a threat and something bad, becomes a fulfilment of who we are, shaped by what we have been through. We are who we are, rather than trying to be someone we are not. We learn how to embrace who we are, warts and all, celebrate it and share it with others so that they can benefit from our experiences. This is community-focus, the opposite of narcissism.

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You will also find the following links helpful for understanding narcissism and its impacts on our lives.

SAFETY ONLINE

How to Protect Our Online Activity When Living in an Abusive Relationship

TERMS AND DESCRIPTIONS USED WHEN TALKING ABOUT NARCISSISM

Terminology and Definitions Used When Talking About Narcissism

IDENTIFYING NARCISSISTS

How to Identify The Different Types of Narcissist

How to Spot Narcissists and Narcissism

Quick Quiz: Find Out if You Are Affected by Narcissists or Narcissism

BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT TEAM

How to build an Effective Support System - Strategies for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Divorcing a Narcissist - What You Should Know About the Legal System and the Courts